I’m Not Perfect

August 20th, 2009by stormeynight

I’m not perfect and I’m the first one to say that. I cry when people don’t look and I always end up falling in love with people only to be told in a mild sense that I don’t deserve them. It’s always the same. Yes I am 23 and I have never been kissed by a guy or told that they love me or anything because everytime I try to get close to them. I get talked badly about like I AM NOT supposed to love anyone ever. I’m a *****, I’m a whore skank slut whatever. In a way I’m at fault. I lock away my emotions and try not to feel anything. I went to an all girls high school and from the ages of 15-18 it was hell. If you are too smart you are bad. If you are in band you are automatically a whore and everyone asks what goes on at band camp. Well you want to know what goes on? People cry, people get sick and you know what that is where you become a family. That’s beside the point. I was bullied, by girls. I had a friend and we both liked the same boy. He asked me to go to the movies one night and my friend took that as a he likes you and not me. It was never that way. He never liked either of us that way. But none the less she never heard my side of the story and I was talked about, I was shunned and I was treated like the worst possible person. I cried and I avoided them but never did anything about it. It eventually went away, but we were never the same. I still have the emotional scars it left and 4 almost 5 years into my college career, I still have a hard time trusting women. It took me a full year of having classes with this one girl for me to even tell her that I trust her and consider her a friend. A whole year. It’s a horrible feeling having to watch your back. Sometimes I think it holds me back. I’m the only one out of 11 cousins not married…and I don’t even have a boyfriend. No one gives me the time of day and all the ones that try to are already big turn offs.  I’ve played the ‘what would life be like without me game’ but then I think of all the things I want to do. I’m the only child, I could never do that to my parents. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and I want my mom to be a grandma someday. I’m not that selfish.

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