I’m not perfect and I’m the first one to say that. I cry when people don’t look and I always end up falling in love with people only to be told in a mild sense that I don’t deserve them. It’s always the same. Yes I am 23 and I have never been kissed by a guy or told that they love me or anything because everytime I try to get close to them. I get talked badly about like I AM NOT supposed to love anyone ever. I’m a *****, I’m a whore skank slut whatever. In a way I’m at fault. I lock away my emotions and try not to feel anything. I went to an all girls high school and from the ages of 15-18 it was hell. If you are too smart you are bad. If you are in band you are automatically a whore and everyone asks what goes on at band camp. Well you want to know what goes on? People cry, people get sick and you know what that is where you become a family. That’s beside the point. I was bullied, by girls. I had a friend and we both liked the same boy. He asked me to go to the movies one night and my friend took that as a he likes you and not me. It was never that way. He never liked either of us that way. But none the less she never heard my side of the story and I was talked about, I was shunned and I was treated like the worst possible person. I cried and I avoided them but never did anything about it. It eventually went away, but we were never the same. I still have the emotional scars it left and 4 almost 5 years into my college career, I still have a hard time trusting women. It took me a full year of having classes with this one girl for me to even tell her that I trust her and consider her a friend. A whole year. It’s a horrible feeling having to watch your back. Sometimes I think it holds me back. I’m the only one out of 11 cousins not married…and I don’t even have a boyfriend. No one gives me the time of day and all the ones that try to are already big turn offs. I’ve played the ‘what would life be like without me game’ but then I think of all the things I want to do. I’m the only child, I could never do that to my parents. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and I want my mom to be a grandma someday. I’m not that selfish.
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Your Dad will walk you down the aisle, you will have children and you will have grandchildren.
You’re nowhere near as bad as you seem to think you are and I actually think you’re a really lovely girl. For ages and ages I didn’t have a girlfriend and I didn’t have much luck with them, then one day when I wasn’t looking I found one. So there is hope for you.
It sounds like because you went to an all girls school, you didn’t have a lot of experience woth just meeting and speaking to guys, which might mean you don’t completely understand them as well as you could. Maybe you’re looking in the wrong places? Good guys usually have to hide because they get hurt. So look very closely and who is interested in you and who you are interested in. You somehow need to work on your self esteem too, something that isn’t easy (I know), because guys are attracted to a confident girl.
You will find someone, probably when you least think it.
So don’t lose hope, and certainly it’s not worth hurting yourself for.
All my love. x
I don’t know what to tell you but I can relate. I’m the oldest of like 15 siblings/cousins and I’m single as can be. Now they are progressively getting married and having kids and people suspect I’m gay or wonder what’s wrong with me. Trust me it’s no fun, and I always thought I’d be the first married with kids when I was younger, because I always wanted it so badly, and now my mom has given up on me.
I’m starting to approach more girls I find interesting (I’m incredibly shy) but they don’t even give me the time of day. Then girls who I would never remotely consider in a million years hit on me and give me tons of attention.
I think in my entire history of dating there was one only girl who truly cared about me. Most of the others cheated on me.
So, I can understand how you may beat yourself up, but your situation really isn’t that bad. If I could undo some of the relationships I’ve had to reverse/remove the pain I endured, I’d do it in a heartbeat. They didn’t deserve me but it gets lonely sometimes.
All the advice I’ve heard seems to be the best – even if I’m still single. Just put yourself out there, enjoy life, don’t focus on finding someone, just do your thing and someone will take notice.