“I wish you were dead”, and “I hope you burn in hell..” were the last things I said to my mother. She died 8 days later. She wasn’t even sick, as far as anyone knew. I mean, how was I supposed to know that she would really die. Had no idea those words would eventually become my life, my world. I wish I were dead, and I am in a burning hell every second of every God forsaken day of what has become known as my “life”. I’ll be 32 this week. I live with, (mooch off of) my father, who lets me because he also knows just how pathetic and useless I am. I’m openly gay, and have been for most of my life. I’ve never been in what you would call a “relationship.” What I mean is that I have been in love, or what I think was love, but I have never been good enough for anyone to love back. Sure I have friends who love me, and my family, but the human touch, or lack thereof, goes a long way. The loneliness is so intense sometimes I want to burst into flames, or like turn to dust and just kinda disappear. But we all know that’s not going to happen. I could never be so lucky. So I will continue with this facade, keeping everyones fear of my self-destruction on the back burner for one more day. Smile when I’m absolutely DYING inside. Laugh while I’m SCREAMING in agony without making a sound. It just gathers at the base of my throat, with sadness and guilt, like a piece of bread with no water. Hoping, begging, praying, willing to do anything to ease the constant suffering. I know, poor, poor, pitiful me. Don’t think that this never ending battle against myself isn’t exhausting, because it is. I guess that’s what led me to this site. I just never thought it would turn out like this. I actually had hope that one day I would figure out what was wrong with me, and well, fix it. Never happened. Turns out it’s not so simple. There’s more to it than a night in shining armor. God, I wish I had the balls to go through with it. But then with my luck, I’d be just as lonely on the other side. Who knows??
In closing, I would just like to make one request. Will everyone who reads this please ask God to make it stop, or less painfull, or at least let me know what I did that pissed him off so bad. Because one thing is for sure, something’s gotta give. I’m felling closer to crazy than ever before. Which is pretty damn close.
But what’s the use, IT WILL NEVER BE OK.
5 comments
First off do not blame yourself for what you said, it was just human nature to say things like that in the heat of the moment, during heated discussion. You did not know your mother was going to pass away, you aren’t a clairvoyant. Are you employed at the moment? Perhaps you should look for employment purely to keep you preoccupied as well as taking up a new hobby to occupy the time. The thing with suicide is that people believe it to be a form of release but once you have passed away you cannot feel relief. You sound like a nice person so I think it is unfair that you are feeling this way. I think you should stop blaming yourself for past mistakes that weren’t even your fault to begin with and just try to re-stabilize your life. Sorry if you didn’t find this useful at all, but I just wish you the best and hope that everything can turn around for you. Take care.
Hate can destroy, really destroy. Rest your mother soul, the least responsibility you can do, if you really feel sorry of that. Go to her grave, talk to her, release all that words in your heart. Tell her that you are very sorry for your way of treating her. Some dead may even understand through your thoughts alone. Guide her to the light brighter than the sun, that’s where she deserved. The knot of hate on earth should be untied. If you die, there will be 1 more soul to be earthbound, agony furthers.
Two souls without intact brains will wander but independently always trying to find comfort but without understanding from the majority of people. The tormenting will be immense! The hate developed after death is fourfold.
My father’s heart stopped. I knew nothing of the CPR. I blowed until his tummy ballooned. Medics came, and couldn’t revive. Sort of I killed my father. Later I settled in the thought that it’s the course of life. Fate is like this. All we can do is learn not to make the same mistakes twice.
My wife said the same thing as yours to her father. I told her to repair. But she didn’t believe and wouldn’t listen. Her father living in miseries of despair and kind of mind-short circuited for years. Later found outside a hospital blood bleeding through the mouth without cause.
My wife doesn’t believe any things of the non-materialize world at all, but doing fine, except our marriage.
My wife always said my behaviour reminded her of her father. May be that’s a good reason to hate and leave me!
things in life may seem irrational, but theyre sometimes essential. its good to speak you mind its a part a life were all human we all make mistakes. Those words may of hurt you your mother but im sure in that timespan she knew the real you didnt want that to happen. the only real advice i have to give is that you move on continue plan for the future make a new happy life fix things for you and everyone you. Just find a way to make things better because grass is always greener when you fertilize your lawn not when you go to the other side. Think long and hard before you make a decision that will result in not returning back. Because you can forgive your self for your mistake with your mom but you can for committing suicide because it will already be too late.