Someone help me

  September 3rd, 2009 by TJ

Okay, so I’m starting a new thread because I was hijacking someone elses with my problems and that’s not fair at all, I feel really bad about doing that. I’m sorry.

I basically wrote my story in a comment so I’ll just paste it here and explain a little more.

Such a long story.. I was so desperate last night. I still am and I don’t know what to do. I’m 20 years old, still living at home and I don’t have a job. My biological dad killed himself as did my uncle, we were very close. My mom, who has been married to another man for 17 years has been cheating on him and is now pregnant with another guy. My stepdad really needed me to be there for him because she left and she was his world, I’ve stayed up for nights listening to him talking about his feelings, I’ve comforted him when he cried and I’ve called the ambulance when the pain was too much for him to bear and he couldn’t breathe and had panic attacks. She felt bad and came back into our lives only to make it a living hell again. I have a brother who’s 14 and a sister who just turned 16. Mom is pushing me to get a job so I can pay her debt while she spends her money on new clothes for her and jewlery for her to wear while she’s out finding new guys to sleep with. My sister is allergic to flour so she gets some money each month to buy special food, but mom takes it and buys something for herself. Our bills are piling up and we have no way of paying it even though my stepdad is working, she demands he gives her the money so she can go out and do whatever. I had my heart set on moving to Ireland where my boyfriend just got a job, he left from Sweden to go there today, I applied for a job there to get away from the stress here, but I didn’t get the job. My mom just looked at me and laughed, and said “haha, did you really think you would get the job? you can’t do anything right!”
She is so angry at everyone every single day and night, even though she did the mistakes. She let US down, she was screwing around behind OUR backs. We LET her come back, but she didn’t even apologize. I had another fight with her today, she didn’t even talk to me for 5 hours and I went to do the dishes and she said “aren’t you even going to say thank you for the food?” and I said “I was just going to do the dishes first” and then she flipped at me because I cried last night while talking to my stepdad (whom I’ve grown a lot closer to because of her bullshit) and she said “why do you even talk to me? you can talk to you stepdad, you don’t need me” and I said “so you’re not my mom anymore?” and she said “no, I wish I never had you, I hope you get a job and move out so I won’t have to look at you anymore” and then she called me a ‘baby killer’ because I got raped at 15 and had an abortion because I couldn’t stand the thought of raising a baby that was forced on me.
I need some serious help and someone to talk to asap. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared I’ll do something stupid. I’m so lost and scared. I’m scared of dying because I don’t think anyone would show up at my funeral.
Help me.

I’m doing my best and I feel as if that’s not good enough for anyone. I’m a good listener and I love helping people, my friends and family can always count on me. Even strangers can. But I feel like I’ve reached the bottom now. I have so much on my mind and being here for everyone and listening to their problems is stressing me out. I have so much to deal with and my coping resources are few. I used to cut a lot when I was younger (I know right, you’re probably thinking I’m the average emo kid who just wants attention), but I haven’t in a while now and I admit cutting was dumb. But it was comforting and I released the stress and the pain. I actually quit cutting for my boyfriend. He means the world to me and I want to be a better person for him. But lately he hasn’t had that much time for me because like I said, he got a job in Ireland and I feel like he’s so much better than me and if he knew what’s going on inside my head .. he’d be disgusted or freaked out. I feel like I’m worthless and that there’s no place for me here, but I’d feel a lot worse if he felt that way about me too. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. Am I not supposed to find my way through this life? I know I’m only 20 but I need some serious help. As for my mom.. I don’t know how mothers are supposed to act, I haven’t really had a great rolemodel as far as that goes. I’m scared of having children because I don’t want to be like her. I don’t want my husband to have panic attacks all the time because I’m driving him crazy with my bullshit. My mom cheated on my biological dad so many times and it eventually drove him to kill himself. He called my house right before he did it and he wanted to talk to me, I was at a friend’s house and couldn’t talk to him and my mom didn’t even tell me he had called. He killed himself that night and I’m still wondering what it is he wanted to tell me. His twin brother killed himself the next day because losing his brother was too hard apparently. My mom wouldn’t let me go to their funerals and I hate myself for not going and it’s killing me. Maybe I should talk to someone about this in real life, but I’m not that comfortable with talking about feelings and stuff. I find it easier to write about. I don’t know what else to say other than I’ve got a hard time dealing with the pain I’m feeling and the way I’m being treated and because I don’t cut anymore I don’t know how to fix it. I keep thinking about killing myself, I’m scared of dying though, but not as scared as I am of living. It’s too hard for me. I can’t do it right. And now my stepdad called to warn me that my mom’s on her way home after talking to the cops, apparently she’s pressing charges against me .. for what, I do not know.

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