catatonic state

NORTH. [god is a corpse you can talk to with roses]. I hate it [youre there arent you]. I wake up each day in tears[sometimes bleeding]. I always have. Instead of eating i cut. I am the poster girl for cocaine abuse. Maybe Im already dead. I feel like it. I cant honestly be here. Can i. It hurts so much. dont believe in depression[or a god or deity]. dont want to. didnt feel like it so I never [fucking] tried. [girl] didnt eat cause girl was afraid. Never liked music cause music is false. wanted to die since thirteen. didnt throw up Im always like this. Collapse in the bathroom at your mothers house. Collapse outside the liquor store. Make bizarre threats from call boxes[this time its real I promise[just you and me[ and a medical expert] Ill be dead in twenty minutes. Youre making the pain rush by panicking. Shutup ***** Im trying to talk. What you know[ god is a plastic woman][I am marla] In heaven, they dont use padded cells. I know where youre taking me. Collapse in the back of an ambulance] Autopsy says your blood pressure was too high. You were starving the oxygen to your brain. You had an electrolyte imbalance[god is a potassium injection]

Incidently, I hate writing these because they fail to express exactly how much fuckin pain Im in.

anyway, [jxxx] came to visit me.

SOUTH BLOCK. [God is a cognitive implant] They use cells, theres no illusion, you cant fucking escape. Once youre dead[i promise I died][please, just this time make it go away i feel like shit every waking moment all i want is to have died this time][tell me Im dead[I want you to tell me Im dead. The healthcare team are staring at me. I’ll pay you to be nice.[jesus christ doctor help me prescribe me something for my chronic back pain][god is a backstreet dentist] Its just the cells arent fuckin padded like they are in movies. Everythings hard. I mean, theres no sharp objects, even the windows are plastic[if god were here he would be medicated] They medicate you. I overdose on pills and what do they give me. more pills. If i cut my wrists do you think theyd slit my throat.

[jxxx] joins me at the lunch table. Since I’m basically in prison Ive started eating again [in small amounts] So Yeh I’m fat now too. Like starving wasnt depressing enough, now Im restrained, [getting] fat and fucked up on respiradone. Im still pissed off I have a slutty tattoo. [jxxx] touches me up under the table. [god is a serial sex pest][i knew this would happen]. All my fucked up friends get fucked up on chemicals which fuck me up permanently. I have zero career choices. As a teenager I wanted to be famous. Now I just look withered and stupid. I’m so thick. You wouldnt understand.[She just doesnt get it] .If i were normal id feel something. A professional said something about [coping choices], short term pain relief, but I didnt understand. Everybody at school thinks just cause I talk fucked up, that I understand fucked up [high level] concepts. Its not like that. It never was, and I’m sure if you felt like this youd be a similar mental state. Anyway these conditions breed contempt. Its just not the right climate for what I want to feel. and how I am. All this bullshit is basically how I met Natalie. [jxxx] left the hospital quicker than shit.

[he.touched.my.neck.][the.hair.on.it.stood.up]

SEVEN [god holding a banana][aiming a banana close range at my hed infact][god pretending a banana is a gun][god. the plastic woman. shooting you fuck in the face with potassium. with a loaded handgun. a glock. a bright yellow glock][for monkeys[thehealthcarestaff]] Natalie looks at me from across the table. Meds were at 11. Maybe its twelve thirty now. It must be. Jesus christ was never late for a good meal. I’m so fucked up youd hate me. In real life I shake all the time. I spent six months leading up to this attempt hearing voices, so like I said, I’m Mega fucked up at this point.

Wanna fuck? Not really my libidos low. Im suffering from a psychotic depression I dont really feel like it Youre frightening me. Its not like youre hot anyway. Youre just some irrational fear. The only reason i differentiate between you and that dog over there is cause youre female. both are in my head.  If i spoke to everything I saw [they last milliseconds[great isnt it?[i see shit. I’m fucking insane. I’m this pointless dead girl. I cant function in society. didnt feel like it so I never fucking tried. [girl] thinks prison is shit. subconcious problems. deep psychological issues. possible brain damage. blah blah fuckin blah.

[by the way I’m working on it. Ive been under a team of three professional psychologists/injections now for roughly five months. all this talking is part of the new me. whatever. all this talking is where [i.like.to.play.with.knives]

[mother] You look pale. Theres nothing wrong with you cheer up. Why dont you go see [jxxx]. does he still work at the 711. I always liked him. Youd be so much healthier if you went out a bit more. Yeh. and then the reality of it is,  Fuck off whore. If you didnt screw my head up in high school maybe id stop cutting my legs. I still cut my legs cause i fucking feel like it. Natalie never fucking tried to stop me and at nighttime shes there. If thats not love I dont know what is. [maybe god can tell me. after all I’m dead already.