It seems as if the years have gone by so fast and yet so very slow. I am now 61. Healthy in body, fit, but sick in the mind. Depression has its ups and downs. Sometimes forgoten for a period of time. It has a way of rearing its ugly head when all should be the best I could wish for, almost. Two daughters I have not seen for 14 years suddenly visit me. One I have not seen since 3 months old finds me and is going to visit, I go on a skidoo and have a school of dolphins swim under while one turns to the side and we stare at one another. I smiled, a dream come true. To some not worth mentioning but to me a wonder to all happen in 3 months. Is this my circle coming to the beginning? The end of the cycle? Normally it would be the happiest days of my life but I fear that it is happinging for a reason. Perhaps my warning to prepare, courage is coming?
I have tried, for the first time when I was around 12 years old, since then 3 times. Once I succeded but brought back to life. I have no friends, (why) and no family nearby. I live in a hotel alone. I love to snuggle but I guess a teddy bear would be silly. I have given up after 9 months to try and find a soul mate. I was wondering, has anyone been cured of depression? Do other have friends even when depression is a part of their lives? I never tell or show anyone I meet that I am depressed. I hide it very well or do not go out. My dear mother died without ever seing me happy. I owe her so much. The only person that really loved but lacked any real communication skills.
Just wondering and wanted to vent.
I really do not want any suggestions like see a doctor. Been there and done that. I just would like to talk to someone that has similar experiences and will not preach but share in confidenciality. Between you and I only.
No preaching please. I am a coward so don’t worry.
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Hi Sunshine –
I think I know somewhat of how you feel. I am 53, have suffered from depression since I was single digits old. I don’t think I have ever truly been happy. I won’t ever let myself be “truly” happy because I am afraid that the happiness signals the beginning of the cycle and only means I will be down again soon. So even when I have the best of days, (like you describe, and yes, I thing looking a dolphin in the eyes & having it look back is pretty cool), I always have that feeling of “impending doom”.
I have friends, but no one very close. I prefer to call them aquaintences, rather than friends. No one I can talk to about my first real attempt 12 days ago. My belief is that there is no “cure” for the depression. Only ways to manage it. For me, I write poems when I am feeling overwhelming emotions. That and conversation help.
There have been two times (in 12 days) that just talking to someone here on this site has prevented me from making another attempt. But like I said, that was all I really needed. Someone to talk to that can understand the feelings. There are lots of people here that understand and won’t judge or condemn, only confirm that you are not the only one.
I have lots of free time and am here quite often.
What else is on your mind? Do you mind me asking about the attempts?
Such as how? What if anything precluded them?
It sounds to me as if you’ve done pretty well at managing the depression over the years. Or you wouldn’t be 61 🙂