Is being kind such a bad thing?
Kind and caring; two traits I’ve been deemed with ever since birthed into this strange, cruel world.
It seems like a blessing, whatever that means, but feels ultimately.. like a curse.
When one lives for others they find no room for themselves; they’re squeezed out of their own personal schedules and discarded as if meaningless.
When someone feels this way.. how can they ever turn back?
I’m already gone from my mind; am I truly missing?
Or am I still somewhere in the vastness of my own memories..?
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To help those who needed it.
Help them thru problems so they feel utter happiness and joy;
something I can never hope or dream of feeling.
Never was it for self-pride or thanks from others. I just felt it’s what I’m meant to do.. if that makes sense..
I wouldn’t say I’m depressed.. But I could be wrong. I’m lost in my own mind; I’m scared. Border-line insane if not already so.
Being so young and scared of the world, I do what feels natural: I remain solitary unless needed by a friend or individual for help.
I’ve been used, I’ve been abused and taken for granted..
That hurts.
This “being taken for granted” deal has cause me to replace my bubbly demeanor with a hard, cold shell..
A shell that frightens me; it makes me fragile and delicate.. somewhat overly sensitive.
One touch sends shivers of electric adrennaline thru my being and across my mind!
It mortifies me how much I’m scared of the world.
Why am I like this?
Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever know why.. But I wish I could get over every little thing that frightens me.
I’ve always been shy.. But lately it’s gotten way too out of hand.
Allow me to share you the recent event in my life that’s isolated me into the depths of my own mind*if you’re still up to reading this awfully long post*:
Me and my sister, since forever, have been the best of friends for we are only one year and two days apart.
Where-ever she’d go, I’d follow and vice-versa.
Like glue, we were stuck on one another; also like glue.. it isn’t very durable.
You see, my sister had this one very dear friend. She’s had her since kindergarten!
Years went by, and the three of us would hang out endlessely and blissfully.
Ignorance is bliss; what a cliche. A cruel and spot-on one at that..
Getting back to the story:
Her friend(who was a girl) started becoming more interested in me.. and less in my sister. They remained friends..
But she just started hanging out with me more, and wanted to become closer.
One night, this girl asked me to be her significant other.. Oh- the feelings that went thru my body!
Ecstatic.. Sadness..Joy! Then more sadness..
Me being a girl, I felt a wonderful way to open myself up was to be with her; the girl I’ve known for as long as my sister!
We’ve been dating since May 21st 2011, and it’s still going stronger than ever..
But when I finally allowed my sister to know about it, she shut me off. Cut me out of her life. Put me on mute.
Why am I like this?
It hurt me! So bad-sooo bad- that I started crying myself to sleep sometimes; hurting myself in anyway possible!
But she still didn’t seem to notice how bad her actions have hurt me..
Not to be rude- but my sister has always been selfish. Only thinking of her self and nary another soul. Only her friends- never me.
I’m often ignored by her now, and whenever I try to even say hi she finds some way to argue the crap out of the smallest things!
My goal in life: Well- I thought it was to help people out..
And now the one person I’ve always wanted to be there for has left me for dead- nothing I do will ever help her, or myself.
That makes me feel meaningless.. If all I can do is ruin a life I care so dearly about why should I even be alive?
I’ve been subconsciously thinking about ending it all, but my partner needs me to be there for her..
The only thing I can do is continue to help her with my existence.. and yet.. I’m stuck having to force out strangled smiles to everyone I know…
Just because I can’t help one person.
Why am I like this, and what’s wrong with me..?
3 comments
I’ve no advice to tell you. But I understand about the whole ‘caring too much’ thing. I’m the same. There’s nothing wrong with people like us. If any, I think there should be more people like us because the entire society is made up of coldhearted people. There just isn’t enough genuine love and understanding out there in the world.
Thanks.. That truly means a lot to me! I appreciate the fact that you took the time to read over this, because it really was from the heart. Vulnerability has always been my downfall. Take care.~
feelings are soooo complex. who can know what feelings your sister had, and why they caused her to react in such a way. if only we humans were better at communicating and understanding each other…but then we wouldn’t have to worry about violence, poverty, and war. feelings are the life and death of us all. we live and die for our love and heartache, our happiness and depression. it is hardwired into our existence. we cannot change that. only try to realize how complex we really are.