The Beast

Naming this The Beast may sound weird but if you continue reading you will understand why. It started around 6th grade, I started to feel different from everyone and felt less than everyone, like I was not worth anybody’s time but I ignored it. Well those feelings came back  my sophmore year and I did not know what to do so I bumbled around trying to solve these feelings. During this time, I also found out these feelings came from worry. Worry could come from anything but mainly it came from making mistakes or acting badly or stupid in public. I don’t remember how I came up with this but I decided to call the worry, The Beast. The reason for that is like an animal hunting a pray, the worry would act like that. It would stalk me and it would do two things afterwards. Either it would pin me down and play with me, you know bat at me just to irritate me or it would swallow me whole. Thus is why my worry is known as the Beast. Thankfully I found direction.  I still had the teacher and a counselor that had previously help me, and I found another teacher to help me. While life went up and down, it went okay until I lost it my senior year and wrote a note that scared the one teacher and the counselor. Next thing I know, I’m being pulled out of school and going to a hospital. I was enrolled in the program for a while and that is another story for another time but I got out and got better. I still have problems (have scared people again) and even after being out the hospital, I have felt like a failure or a yearning for death (thankfully never had balls to kill myself). So here I am, recently graduated from high school still fighting The Beast and had a little bit of a rough time but I’m getting a new therapist and still have my old one if I need to and I’m hanging on. I wrote this because I know how people feel when they have this kind of worry and they feel alone. Well I wanted to tell them they are not alone and also I’m hoping my stroy might inspire someone or help someone out. Even if it does not, at least it helps getting it out. Very few people in my lives (only two of my friends, family, and few other people know this story). So thanks for letting me share it. If you need me to explain more or add something, ask and I will see how comfortable I feel and  might try. I did just find out that I do treat life in black and white and I have a hard time finding the in between parts of in life but I now know that and trying to fix that.