When I was a kid, I already had arguments with my mom. Thus, I grew up hating her and her hating me. Can you imagine that?! Instead of having a lovely mother-daughter relationship, we just want each other’s death. My mom is not that bad actually, it’s just that, she is pretty immature. She wants all of the attention and she wants her to be right all the time. If our house was a country, it is absolutely under a dictatorial government. Your opinions doesn’t matter, and if you go against her will, you are dead meat. Even if you just talk to a boy, she’ll get mad at you already. She chooses your friends for you and shove your real friends away from you. Because of her, I lost my real friends. She made me look bad in front of my friends.
It was when I was fourteen when things got out of control. It was when I wanted to die more and hated myself more. It is when my father sexually abused me. It went on for weeks until I had told my problem to a nun, for I know that my mom wouldn’t even give a damn about it. That nun was a counselor in our school which is runned by the RGS sisters. When I started highschool, I had been a really irresponsible student so she had to talk to me. And I started telling her how much I’m afraid to ask my mom to sign papers for me and stuffs because my mom only cares about my siblings. Then she started talking to my mom. I trusted her but she blew it away. She started putting some sense into my mom and my mom hated me more because of that. Then one time, the nun told me, “Why didn’t you told me that you were abused?!” and a whole lot of things. She asked me about my mom’s reaction when she knew about this, and I told her that my mom even looked at me like a slut. My mom told me that I was enjoying every part of it. She even hated me more since she treats me like a mistress of her husband. LIKE WTF.
I live in a house full of perverts and sex-oriented minds. They want sex all the fucking time, they talk about porn and sex during meals and everything in between. They gossip about sex, and stuffs like that. Even my older brother is a pervert he shoved his penis on my butt just to wake me up. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WHY AM I EVEN IN THIS FAMILY!
And now, even my friends hate me because I’m still on the process of finding myself and because I don’t agree to their way of life that I just suddenly move away from them. They hate me for being me.
I don’t really know how to ease this depression, I always though about suicide, but there is still something that keeps me going on with life, it’s my favorite band (ridiculous i know)
I’ve tried cutting myself but I regret it afterwards. So I don’t know what to do anymore, I just want to die and not want to die.
2 comments
When I read the start of your post I thought your mum sounds just like mine. By the end, though, I thought: mine’s not that bad. but… I can relate to being a kid and feeling like you are more emotionally mature than your parents.
How old are you? It sounds like you really need to get out of that home environment. I hope living with that bunch of perverts doesn’t mess up your view on sex and sexuality.
shit, sounds just like my family. they fuckin praise my little sister for every damn thig she does. my step-dad sexually abused me, too. like, how the fuck is someone that close to do that type of shit to you?! and i feel you you on how parents choose your friends for you. now, i have no REAL friends.