I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The past years i’ve wanted to commite suicide. I would sit around and think about how I could do it, or when i could. And i’d think about what would happen, and where’d i go. And i’d think about all the things i haven’t got to experience in my life yet. I’d always change my mind. Sometimes i go get a towel and wrap it around my neck and try to chock myself but i never can force myself do “it”.  I just don’t get why i have these thoughts. Also when im angry, i punch myself in the legs and arms. I feel like a happy person. I’m a cheerleader. I play golf. I am a straight A student. But… the way i view myself is not good. I call myself fat and so does my grandma, even though i don’t look that big. My acne is terrible, even though i wear a lot of make up to hide it. I guess i’m never good enough for myself. Or anyone else. I feel like no one appreciates me. Or what i do. I try so hard to make everyone happy, and no one ever is. My dad committed suicide before i was born. And when i was 7 my mother decided she didn’t want to take care of me anymore so she gave me to my grandma and grandpa (my dads parents). My older brother Dusty, has also tried to kill himself before. I blame myself for my dads choice he made. My grandpa died in May of 2009.  Sometimes i think maybe since my dad killed himself, i should also. I just don’t know what to do anymore.. someone respond and tell me what they think. I could really use some advice on my life.
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I am going to guess that you are still in High School. I know it doesn’t help much, but at least graduate from High School; at that point, you are done with school and will have experienced enough of life to know if you truly want to die.
Another thing; your grandmother has devoted the rest of her life to taking care of you, the least you can do is stick it out for her. My good friend was in the same boat as you, and he decided that he can’t kill himself until she passes away, because she already raised her kids and got “stuck” with raising three more. He “owes” it to her to pretend to be happy and to go about life until she passes away.
Just my two cents.
Just because other members of your family killed themselves doesn’t mean that you have to or should. You’re not responsible for what they did – or for making others happy. Only what YOU do.
Have you considered talking to your grandparents or a doctor about how you feel? If there’s no recognisable reason for the thoughts, it’s possible there’s a medical problem at work which may be treatable. Just a thought.
Good luck.
Your Grandma who raises you calls you fat? What else does she call you? That’s not right. I don’t think you owe it to anyone to stay alive but yourself. Trust me you are pretty young and things can change as you get older. Please at least wait until you are 25 or so. You will have a chance to see that life can be quite different. When you punch yourself try to punch a pillow or something instead of yourself. Try to see the good in yourself as much as you can. You do not deserve to die. It does help to be able to talk to others about it so I am glad you came here.
Hi Forever,
You sound like a really decent human being.
Don’t worry too much about ‘looks’ when you are young, everyone goes through the ‘not so beautiful swan’ stage before they bloom later. You will too trust me.
I like what Mcinnis said, your grandmother ‘as best as she could’ has devoted herself to helping you grow up, even if she may not be great with words (many people are not). Don’t hold that against her.
I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with you, aside from the fact your circumstances in growing up havent always been as best as they could, and any normal person would also be affected in similiar ways. So i think you are doing pretty good actually. Better then most.
That said, you ever want to chat, please feel free to jot down your email or just type via here.
Stay well Miss over the holiday period and keep your spirits up okay?
Take Care.
AdAs
My dad killed himself a few months before i was born. Its awful!! Because i too wonder if i should die too. but life is getting easier…im 18 now. I always knew my dad killed himself, nobody even told me. I jusyt knew.
Having a suicide in the family, even if before you were born, can have a very profound effect on a person and statistically increases a person’s chance of attempting it and being preoccupied.
It might be important to get counseling specifically around the suicide in your family. What a difficult thing to accept and integrate and have it not affect your view of the world.