I think to myself, What if I did pulled the trigger? What if I did overdose on those pills? Just what If damn it?!! I guess I’m still waiting for a BIG arugment to happen with my family  just to give me the green light. But they are all too sweet and innocent. I’m looking for reasons to kill myself but I have yet to find one to give me the courage to do so. I think about it 24/7. I wish I would get into a car accident. I wish someone would pull a gun out on me and pull the trigger. I wish my heart would stop out of no where. I wish I wish I wish!!!! But none of this has happened. Maybe it’s because GOD is telling me that it just isn’t my time to go just yet. Maybe I still have some unfinished business here on earth. Whatever it is, I sure do hope it’s something to help me raise my head up high. I don’t remember the last time I went weeks or even months being happy without any worries. If I had to think real hard about it it would be the time when I was a Freshmen In HS. I remember waking up every morning to a hot bowl of Oat Meal that my mother haved prepared for us. Everyday was exciting for me, but now everyday is a struggle. I struggle to go to bed & I struggle to wake up. This thought of me killing myself has been running through my head for several weeks now, & its not getting any better. I’ve been having this nightmare lately, I am in a very small studio that is pitch black. And in this studio their are nothing but snakes, and when I say ‘nothing but snake’ I mean This room is just filled with snakes. I’m over trying to work my way through the room to this human like shadow that is on the other side of the room. but for some reason when I do get near it it’ll move away from me. Their were a couple of times when I tried jumping on it just to get a hold on it but Is impossible. Everytime i jump on it I seem to fall into this black whole that keeps going and going and going. I dont know what this dream is trying to tell me but it sure isn’t something good I guess. These thoughts and dreams need to come to an end already. I’m tired of hiding all of my pain behind this smile of mine. Instead of me opening a bottle of pills to end my night , I am going to open up this bible here instead…..
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2 comments
For some people the thought of death, allows them one more day.
Not a religious person myself but anyone opening a bible seems like they are seeking solace instead of death.
Hopefully things look up to you.
And there are a group of ‘livers’ on here so they may help keep you up.
You can’t do it because you can’t kill yourself…no one can. It’s not in our nature or programming to allow harm to come to us although existing is freaking brutal, especially now. If you did find a way, all you’re doing is releasing yourself from the body or rendering the body lifeless so you can leave it and life as you know it, as it is filtered through the 5 senses. All parts of you need to be in agreement, that it’s time.
Every time someone leaves it’s a form of suicide…it’s the soul’s decision to say, “okay, we’re done here”…it’s a timing thing and it’s normal. The words suicide and death need to be changed or our relationship and understanding of what is actually going on in the experience. Cheers!