Everyday it gets harder….

It feels like I’m living on a roller coaster and I keep getting stuck at the bottom. The past year has been the worst if my life. My parents almost splitting up, my boyfriend attempting suicide, my dad threatening suicide, one of my old friends taking her own life and me being blamed for it. There is no comparison for that type of pain, that agony. I didn’t cause this I had to tell myself just to drag myself out of bed in the morning. People I thought were friends turned their back on me. It hurt. Then another person close to me takes his life. What is wrong with me???? Finally I start giving in to the idea that I’m to blame and start considering suicide again. Why not? No more pain, no more anything sounds perfect. It would all just stop. Then I came back to God and he was there for me. I faced mWany more times when I wanted to take my own life again, through heartbreak and more loss, but God was there for me.
Then I found what I thought was love. He was perfect to me, and I guess I lost myself in the romance, the thought that someone could love me for me. I was real with him, he was real with me. But it was a secret because we didn’t want nosy people in our business (especially his friends that didn’t like me as much) while we were still testing the waters. Then he wanted physical stuff, stuff I wasn’t ready for yet. So we broke it off for a while. I was the one to initiate things again. I was at another low point and I wasn’t thinking straight. We did things…. Twice. I cheated one of those times. But he still didn’t want a relationship. Then I made the ultimate sacrifice. I gave him my virginity. Now he won’t speak to me, i thought I might be pregnant, I almost died from a medical problem, school is spiralling out of control, and my parents are fighting again. That bottle of pills is looking really good right at this moment. I don’t know who or how to ask for help. But I need help. Now.