Here is a bit about me. Â I am an adult soul trapped inside a teenage body. Â I have OCD, but few know and nobody cares. Â I have depression, but few know and nobody cares. Â I live a life. Â I hate it.
People say, I have so much to live for. Â What? Â Family – like they care. Â Friends – who? Â I’m going to be a successful person, blah blah blah – who the f*ck cares? Â My dad once asked what would have happened if Albert Einstein wasn’t born. Â The answer was someone else would have come along and done what he did. Â So who cares if I’m gonna leave before I do something amazing? Â Someone else will.
There are only 3 things I like. Â The 3 S’s. Â I find it ironic that they all begin with S, since so many things I hate begin with S. Â Things I like: Sims, stuffed animals, sleep. Â Things I hate: school, stress, socialization, singing, success, shopping, stupid people (a.k.a the whole universe) and Sarah, my name.
I thought about my suicide logically, of course. Â I have a perfect method planned, that I won’t say here. Â I gave myself time to think it over. Â Until the end of 2011. Â 2011 is over. Â And soon, I will be too.
I feel so guilty leaving like this. Â I know, somehow, my family loves me, and I hate myself even more when I think about it. Â I’m worthless. Â It’s a fact. Â Everyone thinks I’m so smart, blah blah blah. Â As I’ve mentioned before, everyone is stupid. Â As far as they know, I’m happy as a clam, straight-A student. Â I’m not subtle. Â Anyone with a single drop of perceptiveness would see that I want nothing more than death. Â They don’t see. Â They don’t want to see. Â They want to live in their dream worlds with their boyfriends and BFF’s and shopping trips. Â So they do.
I honestly don’t know why I’m so sad. Â I’m sad to start with, then something simple happens and I get worse and worse until I’m sobbing silently in my room, counting and pinching or just engaged in endless thought rituals for hours on end, contemplating life, the universe, and everything and eventually craving death so much, I want to shut out the rest of the world and never leave the place I’m sitting. Â And it invariably gets worse the next day.
If anyone I know is reading this, then I am sorry for what I’m doing. Â I’m too empathetic. Â I hate that about myself. Â But I’m leaving my empathy, mind rituals and this stupid universe behind, forever.
15 comments
i like stuffed animals too
i may start a collection someday, that’d be cool..
honey, i am bipolar and no one cares. I celebrated my new year alone and my family did not realize that i was home and they did not even bothered to call me.
i hurted myself on new year’s eve and tried to end my life—unsuccessfully.
we all are going through shit and cannot do anything about it. i have found a new life in this website and shared my stories and people from all over the world support me. We are all your friends and remember that we will miss you. We all find hope from each other’s stories. I am here to listen to you all day and night long. Just sometimes let go off everything and come here to talk.
Don’t do anything as we will miss you.
Hi. I’m 16, I have OCD and depression. I take meds now it has gotten a little bit better but there was a point in my life where I almost killed myself. I know how is to have OCD, its like you are trapped inside your mind, it’s H E L L. I try to go through one day at a time i am not thinking of killing myself right now…. if you want to talk feel free to email me romi591@hotmail.com
dear 17hearts – as much as you might think you are an adult trapped in a teenage body – I think I might slightly disagree … most adults just wouldn’t come here and drop a blanket insult about “everyone being stupid” – now I can”assume” you were talking about the people you actually know in real life – but if you were the “adult” you claim to be – you would have made that distinction … so that being said, either you are an adult who MEANT to call EVERYONE (‘in the universe”) “stupid” … or maybe you can realize you are “not quite” the adult you think you are and you REALLY didn’t mean to call people you’ve never met “stupid”
feel free to disregard this rant … what do I know … I’m …
depressed suicidal insomniac dawg
😉
As you said your comment was a “rant”, so was my post. I understand what you mean about the blanket being untrue. Other “adults” have done blankets such as mine when they are annoyed and/or upset, as I am now. The majority of people understand that, in a rant, you say things you don’t 100% mean. If you think I didn’t make that clear enough, I’m making it clear now: I am criticizing every person I know, and making an educated guess that others are like them, seeing as I do know a wide variety of people.
I came to post on here because I wanted a place to vent out all my frustrations and not care what I did wrong, for once in my life. Apparently, I can never escape from people pointing out my flaws.
Your answer about Einstein is untrue.. There is no guarantee that someone would’ve come along and came up with theory of relativity. You say that you’ve thought of suicide logically but your post reflects emotion. I don’t purport to know your situation however judging by your post I can only see someone who is emotionally hurt and not as ready to die as they claim to be. That’s not to say that you are not very depressed. Its only to say your post seems to reflect a single emotional moment and not someone who truly wants to no longer live.
If you’re too empathetic why call everyone stupid? Honestly it might seem like no one cares but what is much more likely is that someone you knw is doing exactly the same thing you are, (pretending to be happy) and you can’t see it because you are too busy with your own misery. Chances are, they are thinking you are stupid and selfish while you are thinking the same of them. Statistically, 1 in every 2 people suffer from depression at some point. If you are honestly so empathetic, try seeing things from someone else’s point of view.
thanks for clearing that up for me … I don’t know you so I have no clue what your “flaws” are … I was just asking for clarification as to whether I was to be considered “stupid” – since I don’t know you, I wouldn’t think it entirely unreasonable to ask if your generalization was meant in earnest …
… you are the one who pointed it out as “your flaw”
You are certainly welcome to vent all you like 🙂
dawg
Hey
Empathy is the master emotion. It is also a sign of intelligence. And it can be a curse but it can also be a blessing if you can learn to harness it. If you can allow yourself to feel all the pain around you but at the same time know what your boundaries are, know when you have to stop feeling and caring for a while so that you can take care of yourself. Your empathy is destroying you at the moment. Let it go just for a while. You cannot take care of yourself by feeling everybody elses pain. You have to figure out your own pain first befor you can do anything about anybody elses. Although, I have found, that by reaching out a little I stop being self-absorbed all the time and I start to feel good sometimes. The trick is about knowing when to stop giving because it is crossing your boundaries of taking care of yourself. And hey, I do not mind if you think I am stupid too. I am sad but not insecure.
Who the f… is Einstein. That is how I feel. Really, in your scheme of things you should be wondering about the relativity of happiness. Unless you are a physicist, who cares. And it does sound like your dad likes to name-drop to appear smart.
As for stupidity, don’t wish it away. Stupid people have their uses.
You are young and smart. I do not think you have tapped into all your smartness yet. Beliveve in yourself. I mean it. Leave the universe and all its mysteries for the nerds and just enjoy the stars and the amazingness of it all.
Why am I here. Cause I couldn’t find any blades in my house so I decided to Google: plan your suicide. And, I am an adult in an adults body. So at least no confusion there.
Why do I feel this way, because I have given up on ever finding love. A whole new world of mysery opens up when you start to get involved with men. When you play the loving, vulnerable female only to be treated like dirt. I have gotten better at recognising early when I am being treated like dirt and ending the relationship but it still hurts like hell everytime and I do not think I will ever find a man who will not treat me like dirt. I really have given up. And when the hurt inside is so constant and so sore you know you will not even feel the pain when you cut yourself. I am weary and aching and I just want to leave. I just want to leave. I know I matter to some people but I have no more caring in me. I want to quit!
I have always felt that everyone is replaceable. I have just recently found that to be so true in my life and work life.
Individuals are NOT replaceable – workers are definitely replaceable, as are BFs and GFs – but you cannot replace a Mom, Dd, sister, brother, Uncle or aunt etc.
like me or hate me – I am an original – there IS no other … there may be a similar version bu it will not and CANNOT be the same.
Dawg
as are BFs and GFs
I shall hold on to that Dawg. Thnks.
BF= boyfriend GF=girlfriend
Dawg, thank you. You gave my kids back their mother. I shall always remember this.