I feel like I make the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t learn. I hurt those who are closest to me, then I push them away to protect myself. It is a constant ongoing cycle. More than anything in the world I want to feel close to someone. I want someone to know what a broken mess I am, and still accept me. It’s just not in the cards for me. Three years nearly to the day since I’ve felt like this. I wish I could cry, but I’ve spent a long time coaching myself not to and now that I’d like to let it all out, tears will not come. There is this huge, gaping hole in my heart. I can feel it. And all I want to do is run far, far away until all my problems disappear behind me. Until people stop criticizing me for things I haven’t done. There is nothing I can do.
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3 comments
Ah, you learn more then you think, making mistakes is what makes us human. I think it’s time you break the cycle, find someone (using your best judgement) to break it with, embrace that person, let it out. We all need help sometimes, you really just need someone, and if you don’t have anyone you feel you can trust or talk to, you may have to look for someone. Keep staying strong, you’re no mess you’re just trying to do everything by yourself! I know it’s hard to tell someone close, but do it to someone you can trust and confide in and I’m sure you’ll feel like a large weight coming off your shoulders.
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I apologize in advance for saying this, but I can’t help but scoff at your reply because that’s exactly the kind of cliche advice I’d normally have given somebody. When the people in your life continue to tell you, “it’s okay, it’ll blow over, you know it will,” you tend to stop turning to them. Furthermore, it’s not easy to ask for help when you’re the one who everyone else leans on because all they do is pat you on the back and tell you it’s alright. Being the “strong” one is nothing more than a cruel joke the universe plays on you.