My birthday is at the end of the week. I dont even want to make it. I am trying like hell to make it to my vacation in 2 months,and end it then,but this week is hard. My BF keeps leaving and spending all of his free time away from me.He refers to spending time with me as “sacrificing.” He now threatens to move away b/c he doesnt want to listen to me explaining how bad I feel,refering to the end anymore. I wonder if my vacation is worth it. Wouldnt it be easier to just end it and not have to face another birthday as an OFUD(old,fat,ugly,diseased) freak like me? I have practiced my method once,and have meds available to sedate myself to accomplish it. Seriously,what is the point of waiting? As a laugh,I feel like txting one of my former group members and telling them what a big joke DBT is. It was all a farce,no one cares about you afterward.They just want to push you through with their fake skills. Its all a joke.
I just want the pain to end.I want to be free. The threat of hell or nothingness is less stomach churning than staying alive.
11 comments
Oh, I remember turning 33 – that was my Jesus year. I grew a beard and long hair and fasted and told everybody I didn’t expect to last the year out. Needless to say, the year let me down.
Sunbird – wouldn’t it be better to spend your last few months in peace and solitude rather than be an emotional punchbag for your boyfriend and his family?
Having said that, my immediate future is more stomach-churning than I could possibly explain, so I sympathise entirely.
Huge age difference im 14… But i honestly feel like your just like me.. i want to end my life so in the morning i dont have to wake up… But i say.. look at it this way… if you end you life now… think of who you wont be able to be saving because u are the only one who can realate to them in the future… or leave a commment that could keep the from dying…. Like i say… Life is like shoots and laddders…. just i allways get the laddders… and i hope that one day i will be able to make it to the winnning spot
Causeway,how do I get peace and solitude? Please don’t say Jesus (JK!!!)
Schneiderang,thanks for your kind words,unfortunately,I dont think Im doing anyone any favors staying around. I do hope that at your age,there is hope for you,whatever your pain,and you have a good shot at making it if you choose. At my age,its pointless.
Hum, you’re right. In my simplified version of the universe, peace and solitude are what happen when you remove the sources of unhappiness and conflict. Now you might say, yes, you could remove certain things but the conflict in yourself remains and will torture you anyway. Which is true. But at least it will be pure sunbird battling sunbird as opposed to having your wings clipped by others.
Yes, I know, none of this makes sense – it’s very late and I’m very depressed and am about to try to sleep. So just ignore it.
Birthdays are tough. I’ve only had nineteen of them, but I’ve hated them since I was ten.
I agree with causeway. Why stick with a guy that makes you miserable?
About the meds… it’s not as full proof as it may seem. It can be a truly painful experience. My last attempt was with sleeping pills. I figured I’d be asleep before I experienced any ill effects… I was wrong.
I’m not sure anything I’ve said was any help to you, but I hope you change your mind.
~Ashley
PS what is DBT?
If he cannot understand and comfort you in your pain, then he is obviously not the guy for you.
You need someone who is willing to go the extra mile for you.
And if you do decide to go wait at least until after your vacation.
Going out relaxed and chill is better than going out with angst and emotional hurt.
By the end of this year I’ll have enough to live for a few months in debauchery and sloth. And after partying my tail off I am going to exit.
So get to your vacation at least sunbird.
You deserve it.
Where are you going?
Also…. 32 (going on 33) isn’t old. You still have potential. For anything and everything. My advice would be to get away from it all. Go somewhere that makes you happy. Somewhere that you can think about things clearly without the stress of your boyfriend and everything else in your life bearing down on you.
Very rarely are logical decisions made by severely stressed/depressed people.
~Ashley
Hi Sunbird. I want to share this with you and I hope this helps. One of my roommates in college jumped off the golden gate last year, 2011. She was 31. I knew her for only a year but we became good friends and I looked up to her a lot because she was a passionate animal activist and a very smart person. I found out after that she had been very depressed for many years, had an eating disorder through purging, and had a little bit bipolar. She used to stay confined to her room all the time because I guess she was ashamed at herself. She also had a bf who was immature and hooked up with another girl in vegas a couple of months prior. She left a note saying that she couldn’t stand living because she was so sensitive to everything happening and her condition. I am telling you this because there are a lot of people who are dealing with similar situations. I want to ask you to please not consider taking your life for many reasons. I agree with Ashley in that everyone has the potential to change the world for the better, even in the smallest steps. Talking to people under similar situations, becoming an activist for one of your passionate issues, and so many other things can make huge positive impacts on people and in the world. I believe that researchers are going to find out soon how depression and bipolar affects people and how to fix it. My roommate had so much going on when she made her decision but that decision affected so many other people. Her family, close friends (i think around 200 of them), myself, were deeply traumatized and still are. I would ask you to please talk to other people and be honest about what is going on in your life because many people can’t tell if someone is going through an ordeal and they might be quick to judge another. There are many people who want to help those who are going through these problems. I hope this helps!
-Randy
(sidenote: I find meditating in a quiet place for a few minutes a day or going for a run often helps me focus clearer and takes my mind off things. 🙂 )
@Randy…Thank you for sharing your story,and i am sorry about your loss. That being said,I’m afraid that there are a few differences that I can see right away btwn myself and your friend. The fact alone that she had 200 close friends….I dont even have one,not an acquaitance,not a semi-pal-nobody. I understand that there are similar situations,but in my case,I have no resources left. I’ve tried countless therapies,therapists,meds,etc. I dont have bipolar,just depression and “borderline” borderline disorder. The thought of staying alive and being alone and watching others fulfill their dreams and be good enough for others to want,to desire,to touch,let alone marry and have a family with…it just hurts too much. I know that there are causes to be passionate about and little things that could make a difference,but I just dont see the point in existing only to provide something for others. Ive done that all of my life-its time for me to stop hurting.
@Ashley DBT is another form of group therapy,theoretically for ppl with borderline,but can be used for other things…basically it teaches you copng skills so that you dont manage your “stress” in ways that “bother” other ppl,i.e.,cutting,drinking/drugs,suicide threats,etc. I liked the people there,but it just didn’t/doesn’t fly in the heat of the moment when Im faced with my BF telling me how hes going to leave,or he deserts me for a week at a time,etc.
To those who think its as simple as dumping him….its not.First, I still love him. Second,I AM diseased,and not at all attractive. The odds of finding another man who will even look at me twice are about as likely as pigs flying. Im not trying to get pity or say woe is me,Im just telling it like it is. Yes,I am lucky to have what i have of my BF’s attention. If there was a way that that could be enough,I would live with it,but Ive tried that,and I cant. So,Im accepting my situation as it is,understanding that it wont change,and doing what I need to do for me.
Thanks to UN for encouraging me to take my vacation. I am going to Sydney and Cairns for two weeks,it is the trip of a lifetime. And yes,i do look forward to it…it is all that I have. I contemplate whether or not to end it the last day there,in an airport hotel the night I return,or in another place(small town) that I have chosen for its remoteness.Ill probably post this elsewhere as the time draws closer,get ppls opinions…..
Thank you all for replying and tring to give me hope. Sometimes,it doesnt exist,but I dont fault you for trying. I just wish suicide were more accepting…can you imagine how much easier it would be if there were organizations like EI andsuch that were allowed to help people of any illness end their lives peaefully,and dare we say,pleasantly? The horror!!!
That’s my fault, I didn’t explain it that well about her friends, sorry. I found out she had those relationships with people while she was in college and work etc. but she didn’t have any contact with them for a couple of years prior before her tragedy. She had a lot of the same feelings that you described to me. She said in her letter that she couldn’t stand being alive because she felt so different and that it was painful to find someone who wanted her to marry/have a relationship. I think most people have the feeling of not being good enough sometime during their life. I personally don’t think anyone should take their life because that’s it! I feel a lot for people who have these types of feelings and have physiological problems. I think it is really good that you tried group therapy. My roommate tried that too and she said the people there just made it worse. Some people didn’t have any hope and actually tried to influence her to kill herself. I see many comments on this website from people who are doing the same thing, and I think it is absolutely wrong! I think you should definitely try looking around for people to talk with who you are comfortable with and avoid people who try to convince you otherwise. After seeing and understanding what happened to my roommate, I still don’t think she made the right decision. In her mind, she might have ended her suffering and hurting, but she ended all chances of one day meeting someone just like her or understands her, and the chance that one day (I believe very soon according to research studies) a cure to prevent deep depression. She also ended all opportunities to do something she loved in her life outside of a relationship. I believe there are many people in the world who fit and connect better with others with certain personalities and behaviors. Everyone is different! And there are 7 billion people in the world so your chances of finding someone are very good. If the city you live in adds to your depression, leave that shit behind. I moved from a city I hated to one I love. Just pack up and drive or hop on a train.
Also if your bf is pulling you down, leave his ass. Haha, seriously. You said he is the only one for you but there are many more guys out there, roughly 3 billion, haha. I would talk to him first and express everything and if he doesn’t want to change, then just move on and start finding someone else. Just be honest about having depression and be somewhat friendly to guys and they will come to you, promise. Most people will judge someone who acts very reserved and different, thinking that they might be rude or unfriendly. To be honest, I judged my roommate the same way when I lived with her. I never said it to her, but I thought she was unfriendly b/c she always stayed in her room and never wanted to be around us. If I knew she was going through what she was, it would have completely made sense and I would never have had those thoughts. Sorry if this is getting long and winded. I hope you are able to change your mind because there are a lot of good things out there!
Hi Sunbird, I just wanted to add my email is provenace@aol.com if you wanted to talk about anything a little more, any time. I am also 27 and not 22 like my name may suggest. I hope to talk to you later.