i’m just so scared….

i just gotta let all of this off my chest, it hurts so much. it’s been 40 days since i last cut, since my father said that the next time i cut, he would do something about it, he would put me in a facility that would help me, unlike my mother. i know, not cutting is a good thing, but you have no clue how much it helps. everyone has drama, at home, at school, whatever, but i just got to tell someone, even if no one reads this sh*! and i gotta tell u, it’s long, but if you could help me, i will be in debt, because i don’t know what to do….

i want to cut, i need to cut. why? well, it’s not very simple. let’s start with what my sister is doing. god knows i love her and will protect her from everything, even though i can’t. well, she’s taking my mom to court, because she wants to stay with my father. my mom and my father got divorced when i was two (historical: they were married December 8th, then they got divorced December 9th a couple years later lol) she wants to be with my father, my mom doesn’t want him to have her. it’s an obsession, making sure she’s better than my father.

yeah, the other part is my mom. it’s hard saying this to you guys, you can’t believe how hard it is, but i’m scared of her. i’m terrified of my mother. she would take this as a good thing, because it means she has power, but i just can’t stand it anymore. when i was little, she wouldn’t JUST spank me, she would make sure that i wouldn’t be able to sit. sometimes, she had my step-dad have my sister and i put our faces into the wall, and he would mash our noses into the wall. the law in colorado is you can spank your children until they turn ten, but any older than that, then it’s child abuse, too bad THEY didn’t know. i got in trouble when i was 12 because i spoke against them, because i wanted to go to my father’s house. the next thing i knew, after yelling at my step-dad in my room, his hand was on my throat, and he was in my face, telling my how worthless i was. that wasn’t the end of it, i got in trouble again, about 9 months ago, and they started “spanking” me. i’m sorry, but i didn’t know that spanking included hitting my back, holding my hands and feet down, spitting in my face, and saying sh*! to me. my mother always had a way of making me feel worthless, making me feel stupid, terrible, ugly. she was never my mom, my sister was the one who really raised me all these years.

i guess you could say my mom was the master mind of everything and my step-dad was the minion. he backs her up no matter up, even if she’s wrong. now that my sister’s leaving me, i am more terrified of what’ll happen. knowing my mom, she’s going to ask me to choose sides, to pick between her and my father, either her or the judge. and when my mom loses in court, she’ll have to take her anger out, she’ll throw temper tantrums, she’ll curse my sister, but i know she’ll do more.

guys, i’m just scared. i want to leave, but i can’t go to my father, he and i have a LOT of issues, and i can’t do foster care because i’ll never see my sister again, never see my family. i can only think of one solution. i don’t want to take it, i don’t want to be like my uncles, but what choices are there? be a ward of the state? stay with my easily-jealous mother? stay with my father who wants the perfect family? to anyone who thinks that therapy will solve everything, it doesn’t help. every time that i went to therapy, 6 years, my mother NEVER went to a session, NEVER.

this might seem like the “oh, i have the most terrible family” deal, but i swear i’m not trying that. i just needed to rant, to get this off my chest. i’m just scared, because i don’t know what to do. i’m trying to wait for my brother to come down, but he’s coming home in june, and another problem is he said he might join the army, and he’s my last option, to hold it off. please, i need help from my brothers and sisters on here who know at least SOMETHING that i’m going through. wat do i do???