it hit me

after that last post, it hit me like a broad seeing red; my entire life is an act. No wonder I’m so tired. The minute I leave my apartment, I’m weighed down by the way I have to be to get ahead, to get by, to not be harassed etc etc. I guess in a sense we all do it, but everything I say is a farce. I don’t celebrate holidays anymore, I dropped all superstitions, minimized/simplified my diet; I’m trying to live the way an evolved human might. The world around me doesn’t make sense and I worry about who I’m to become, so I’m taking control of that. I want meaning in my life and materialism/consuming just don’t interest me all that much. I feel different. I wrote and recorded about how different I feel, but everyday I have to put on my old “Tyrone” mask and be the timid, withdrawn, skinny, black bastard that the world knows and loves for some reason. I hate being pathetic because I know I’m not that anymore, but I know it works. And I know that close minded mouth breathers don’t like the smell of know-it-alls.

Where are my people? Point me in the direction if you think you know where I belong. I’ll drop everything and go.

Maybe it’s up to me to create it, to build the “promised land”. If I build it, will they come? Not without advertising.

a perfectionists job is never done.