On My Mind…

For some reason I feel I have to constantly punish myself for every mistake I make but am so unrelentingly harsh on myself everyone notices it, and sometimes ask why? I’ve always felt like I’m a total waste of space and often look at people around my age, 39, or younger who are successful and feel really threatened… and I think, what’s wrong with me? I mean I’m not exactly uneducated, unintelligent or untalented yet I feel like I’m such an utter loser and total failure in life I wanna hide forever. That I’m a fucked up, no hoping basket case! I used to have a negative mantra I’d repeat to myself over and over again that went; I’m a freak, a fool a fraud and a failure. And to this day whenever I fuck up, which is often, I still call myself freak. Perhaps because I’m so very unmotivated, undisciplined and emotionally unstable and also constantly feeling sorry for myself. But then of course it obviously runs far deeper than that, and I know it… yet I still can’t put my finger exactly on what it is. Is it something faulty in my genes I was born with, or did something happen in my past to make me this way? All I know is I am and though I hate it I’m unable to change.

Some people say every human life is precious, that every human life is sacred and that we are all equal but this is clearly not true. Some people are more worthy of life and opportunity while others are a complete waste of space and an unnecessary burden on society, our planet and its dwindling resources. I know I’m one of them. I knew I said I wasn’t going to post on here again until I decided to do the deed, but this is the only place I feel I can safely express these feelings without sending those I love into a watchful panic.

Yours Sadly, Shelly.