Painful Fear

@I’m Fine Poison plants in general are just painful. I think the least painful would be to ingest white baneberries since they seem to work pretty fast, but alas, I haven’t found them anywhere. Monkshood, nightshade, castor beans, all of them have some pretty painful symptoms. I was supposed to take the nightshade seeds first since I thought that the symptoms seem a bit more forgiving, but after weeks of research, I still can’t determine how potent the poison in the seeds would be. There are accounts that tell of people ingesting thousands of nightshade seeds yet they didn’t die, and instead had some horrific hallucinations (deliriants ftw). Anyway, I’ve opted for monkshood in the end since it seems to be more toxic (though, I can’t be certain which is worse). I’m afraid of dying in pain. I feel that I’ve lived my life in pain, I don’t want my final moments to be in pure physical agony as well. However, I’d rather take those minutes or hours of agony over days to years of the suffering which we call life.

@Vedura I’ve been suicidal since I was 9, now I’m 21. I’ve had my generous amounts of suicide attempts, both risky and non risky. I’ve been rushed to the ICU and stuck in the hospital for surgeries one too many times. Heck, last suicide attempt nearly got my arm amputated (never inject insecticide into your arm– not fun). Anyway. I speak of game time because that’s the only life I have now. I am a recluse, I don’t go out. I’ve not left my flat nor had physical human contact (ooh! Except for delivery men, but they don’t stay for more than 30 seconds) in over five months. I wake up, I game, I eat, I sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. As I said in the above, I’m afraid of the physical pain before death, but other than that, nothing else really. I would read your book. I do like to read other people’s life stories.
EDIT: Oh and I’m planning to do this whole seed business in ten days.

Yes, plant poisons are so not a preferred method. Ugh. I got my seeds from Amazon, delivered within 2 days (was actually surprised since I ordered during Christmas time, but it shipped pretty quickly). And I would eat your cooking (I’m starving, seriously); I’m not picky with preparation of food, just ingredients. I would choose burnt chicken intestines over a Michelin star aubergine dish. Blegh.

And do what? (snap snap snap — sorry, had to do it!) Lol. But seriously, if I do go out of my flat, what am I supposed to do? I’m in a country halfway around the world from anyone I know, so meeting up with friends is a no go. I could take a tour and get to know the country of my ancestors, but I don’t really see the point. I’ve made sure to destroy my life bit by bit so that getting up and turning it around would be improbable. It took me a full year to do it too. (Sorry I seem snap-ish and whinge… I do that a lot~)

I’m not fond of earth… don’t like them annelids *shivers*

Oh and who are these (beef)jerky gits who feed off of people’s misery. I’ll have em killed (oh how I wish I were Moriarty). And yes, I am feeling a tad better. You are the first “person” I’ve “spoken” to for more than a minute in the past… two weeks?

Am terribly sorry to hear about your mum’s disease. Graves’ is definitely a hard disease for both the patient and support system, so I do sincerely hope you’re doing well yourself. And yeah, I’ve known some people with Uucerative colitis who have bipolar personality disorder (which I have as well). Some days you just feel so energetic and things seem to buzz around then a second later everything just stops and argh, so depressing.

Sephiroth. So pretty. Too pretty. I love him.