The funniest things can dissuade you

This might be funny, I don’t know. I’ve been suicidal for weeks (months on and off) and been thinking about it this past days. A lot of reasons why; university, family problems, legal issues, self-hatred blah blah blah. Anyway, I decide to watch a couple of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle episodes out of boredom with my little brother and end up watching an episode called ‘Same As It Never Was’.

Now, I’ve got three brothers and I’d be lying if I said the turtle superhereos don’t remind me of us. So this episode has one of the turtle brothers transported to a nightmare future where their enemy has taken over. Everything is ruined and messed up. Their father is dead, some of their friends are dead and his brothers are screwed-up, hardened adults. They tell him he disappeared in the past and basically caused the whole break-up of their family, and the end of the f***ing world essentially.

Now, I don’t usually get affected by cartoons but today I cried. And later I sobbed uncontrollably about it. I saw the future. Obviously it was just a silly cartoon world and my brothers and I aren’t mutant turtles but we are family and a team and suddenly I saw the brother’s disappearance as my possible suicide. I could destroy my family with one simple action. I’d be gone and, like the cartoon, my family would be affected.

My suicide might not bring the end of the world, but it would ruin lives. It would destroy my brothers’ innocence and it would be the ultimate betrayal.

I don’t think this will stop my suicidal thoughts, but I think it’s given me a better perspective on what could happen if I did ‘check out early’.