You guys just made me stronger <3

So I joined this website yesterday, as I lied in bed sobbing, wanting to disappear so badly. I wrote my first post, and what I wrote actually surprised myself. Before I posted I read a few other peoples… I wanted so badly to give each and every person posting a hug. I wanted to tell them they were loved and to make them choose to keep their lives… so I wrote about holding onto mine. The comments I got back, each and every one touched my heart. You guys inspired me to want to keep going, and to keep smiling along the way. Like I said in my previous post, I am 16 years old. I have 5 sisters, and when we were little my family was perfect. My sister that is 1.5 years older than me started acting out.. it started small, her grades dropped, she started lying all the time. My parents focused all their energy on “fixing” her. I felt so forgotten. I have little sisters, that were 3rd grade at the time, I made sure they didn’t feel like I did. I kissed them goodnight and told them I loved them every night, I was determined to be everything my parents no longer were. Time went on, things got way worse. My sister started doing drugs, smoking cigarettes, got brought home by the cops multiple times, stole, cheated, lied about everything. I watched my family fall apart. She would argue with my parents all the time. Hours and hours of screaming, it really traumatized me, but no one noticed. No one noticed me, ever. No one noticed when I stopped talking. Or when I started crying myself to sleep. My sister got pregnant and was kicked out later for other things. She ended up having an abortion. Thats a super basic overview.. this thing would be multiple pages long if I wrote everything.The night she was kicked out, my parents asked me what I wanted. I was done dealing with her, so I said I wanted her to leave. She had to leave, and was not allowed back in. To this day, I feel so guilty. My parents shouldn’t have out me in that position. Silence took over my life at home. Words are too painful to speak. I resent my parent, but at the same time I want to feel their love so badly. They never tell me they love me. They never tell me I’m going to be okay. And that’s all I need. Over the summer they knew I was starving, they knew I cut myself, but they didn’t say anything. I accidentally started starving… then throwing up. For months it consumed my life. It was the only control I could get. Then I suddenly got better. My parents continued to talk bad about my sister and about the side of the family that took her in… it was so stressful. Once again I fell into my old ways. That’s where I am now. There’s is something so amazing about seeing how far my body can go without food. It’s not safe, I’m on the swim team and could pass out any day. People keep telling me “You’re such a smart girl… but you’re destroying yourself..” The counselor, finally after many meetings with her I stopped lying, on Thursday I told her what had happened. The whole story, it was the first time I had said it out loud, and it was quite an accomplishment since I am terrified of speaking to adults, but it felt like she just passed me on to the next person… she forced me into counseling with someone I had never met. I understand she is doing her job, but it is a hard concept for me to grasp. It took me months to build up the courage to talk to her and now she wants me to turn around and tell some lady  I don’t know.  Not one part of me wants to talk to the new lady. I have been starving worse than ever lately. Even worse, I found out I am emotionally neglected. I makes me feel like an awful daughter, like my parents deserve so much better. I don’t mean to starve and hurt myself, I feel bad they have to deal with me. Luckily, I have amazing friends, they support me through everything and get me through. If it wasn’t for them and my little sisters, I wouldn’t be here today. I hold on for the people who love me. I am really happy at school, I live my life to the fullest. I love making people at school, teammates, coaches, family, and teachers smile. I’m just 16 years old, I have my whole life in front of me. I can’t give up already. I’m only writing on here because yesterday it made me feel better. So I guess we should all keep going, pushing forward, because in the end we will all be okay. I still have some things to learn, like how to love myself, but I swear I will do it. On the outside, I’m put together. At school I’m always smiling, I am in honor classes and still get all As and Bs, I am on sports teams and my teammates always seem to love me, guys think I’m cute and teachers like me because I “bring personality to their class” I am living proof that you should be nice to everyone, because everyone is fighting their own battle. If anyone has advice for me, no matter how long, I would love to hear it. Also if I made you smile, or laugh, or cry, I would also love to hear that 🙂 I wish you all the best in whatever battle you might be facing…