Alone.

For too long i have kept up this charade. Pretending to be happy when im not. Im probably like alot of people…for a long time, everything seemed to be going ok, and i had dreams and aspirations and a plan for my life.

But, somewhere along the way, i failed. And i dont have any resentments about it, i know most of the reason as to why i failed rests with me. Im not perfect, im sure if i worked harder, i couldve accomplished more, made something of myself. But, i didnt. I understand that, and thats not what really bothers me anyway.

For too long, my attitude was “i dont care.” I didnt care what happened, i felt like nothing really mattered, whatever will be, would be. Unfortunately, when you stop caring, people stop caring about you.

And that is where i am now…forgotten, alone. People who were my friends, just straight up ignore me. Ive never gotten into some long, drawn out fight with an ex girlfriend or with friends…no, they all just simply faded away, stopped contacting me, stopped wanting to hang out or spend time together, stopped wanting to even talk to me or say hello. They all know im getting worse, but none of them even bothered to ask me if im ok. Guess its easier to ignore a problem then deal with it.

I guess i understand it…ive shut myself off from the world. No job, which means no money or no car. So im not exactly worth the trouble to be friends with anyway. Also means no insurance, which means no help from doctors or medicine. Not that i would trust that to sovle my issues anyway.

Ive told myself that everything would work out in the end, but each year it gets worse and worse, more and more people have left me and ignored i even exist. And each one takes a small piece of my heart with them, until i am left with nothing. Alone and by myself.

And its not so much that i want to die…im just tired of living. Tired of lying to myself and the world. Tired of being alone. Tired of seeing other people being happy, tired of this world, and the people in it. Just tired. An eternal sleep doesnt sound so bad, never having to wake up to this world.

I do feel sorrow for those in physical pain, kids with terminal illness that wont live long enough to have their own kids. I wish i could trade bodies with them…let them make something better out of mine then i could, while i get the physical pain and suffering to match my emotional pain and suffering. I keep telling myself i deserve that.

I dont know anymore. Being alone is one of the worst feelings possible, and cant carry myself on much longer. Not sure when or how im going to give up, but its getting more and more difficult each day to keep going on.

Thank you to whoever read this. I just needed to get this out since i dont have anyone else to talk to.