can’t get it together

personality keeps splintering, can’t choose a way to be, it’s tiring carrying on multiple faces. What am I talking about? Am I insane. I laughed when I read daniel radcliffe was drunk during a bunch of the harry potter scenes; i laughed to tears. Addicitve personalities man.. i started back drinking coffee again, appetites completely gone, was doing so good eating naturally.. had chocolate this morning after 2 months off.. was doing so well

i was set on not coming back here ever, set on trying harder to be positive, but even then I knew that it was the lingering buzz of the nights events still keeping me content.. i have half an hour and I want to grab my laptop and do some writing but sobriety is creeping back and with it comes depression, anxiety, paranoia, agoraphobia, nymphomania… I feel spastic, feel like my spirit wants to rip free from my body and combust into the atmosphere.

it’s friday and agoffs swag for sale mixtape is online and i still haven’t thought of a reason to pursue a career in anything I like.tired is my theme and mine alone.my body aches for contentment so I’ll give it caffeine and sugar and anything I can tweak off of till I can get home and smoke on the blues.

I sound like an addict and I am, which is why I won’t ever try pills and powders; won’t try to get a taste for alcohol. it’d destroy me. I’d be like those burnout child stars, only without the fame and dwindling fortune. I’m an addict without an addiction, so i have these quick fixes like coffee and candy and greenery but it doesn’t last. Maybe I should find someone to obsess over; it’s what I really want but I won’t pursue because I don’t want to feel weak again. You obsess and you put yourself at the other persons mercy, and most of the time, they don’t know you’re obsessed until you dump them for no good reason…,. where am I going? could I be famous? It’s what I want, the world hanging on my every word. But I couldn’t handle it, the eyes and attention, so I don’t want it. why am i here? why am I on this site? WHat is thisd doing for me, going around in circles, writing all this crap. I should just find a stupid chick that’ll fall for my bullshit and live my days out. i really should, just find a chick and knock her up. i don’t care either way what I do with my body, that’s why im so accomodating to the people around me. i dont giv3e a fuck if you want to cut me in line or get off the subway first or whatever. Man I don’t care if you want me to work late for no pay, don’t care if you want to take more federal tax out of my cheque, fuck i don’t care. Do whatever you want. maybe i’ll contact my father after all these months; i don’t want to apologize.. don’t have an7ything to say.. bah, fuck my father. what do i want to do? nothing really? so what’s next? i dunno. i need to quit this website. all this self loathing…. all these ellipsi…

i have to quit this site. i have to do something.. i have impulses coming from all over my body that I can ignore and sedate because they’re illogical…….. i want to be a robot, live forever, surpass humanity, be an android, beep boop bleep blop! wake up tyrone, get your head out of your ass.

you’re gonna feel bad about all of this writing the minute that you’re sobriety is lifted so stop. you keep worrying that all this writing is going to jepeordize your job so freaking stop. don’t let this depression ruin your life man. you always said that you were better, that you’d never let your body be in control over your mind.. mind over matter man, mind over matter. you don’t have to acknowledge everything that your body feels, the pains of anxiety, the fear oh god, the fear. you don’t need it man.

eliminate the filter between your mouth and brain and say what’s on your mind. forget about how you feel and go with what you know in your mind. 100% man, be you 100%.. be based