Pain…its not the sharp or intense pain that is experienced when first separating the skin. No, it’s the dull, deep, and gnawing pain after cutting too deep and you’re waiting for the incision to heal. It’s the long week(s) of paranoia and wearing long sleeves in the summer hoping no one will notice or if they do, praying that they don’t call you out. That’s what it has felt like for me this past month…and i am not quite sure what to think about it all….
Ahh… the bitter sweet recognition of failure. Realizing that all you ever were was in reality, nothing at all… Seeing yourself for what you really are and hating every second that you have to be in your own head…
At last Death, I so graciously welcome you. Come! For I am not afraid. Not even Hell will stop me from seeking your sweet kiss.
I sit alone and yet I am surrounded by people who say they love me. But I have a feeling that if they knew what really went on inside of this head then they would not be so quick to love….
those who truly loved me are gone. I have chased them all away. The bouts of anger and hospital visits have worn them thin. even though it’s better this way I wish that I hadn’t chased them off. I am selfish. My bads outweigh my goods and I have fucked up 1 too many times….
I desire so greatly to call upon God, but deep down I know that I have no right to do so. Even IF he does manage to pull me out of this rut, I know that it’s just a matter of time before I screw up again. I’m hopeless. I’m scum. I’m nothing. I deserve to be taken out back and shot….. I can’t be mad at God. No it was me. My choices. My actions. My fault.
5 comments
feeling same.. if i could start all over again could i make it worked? or would i have it all screwed? it so hopelessness feeling yeah ,, feeling there ;s no such way of living. though you have some around you who says they care of you,, you could feel they dont know the true of you but at least they could pay some of their time for you.. its nothing bad actually..
i have been in that state of mind before. now i dont know where i am with my mental illness. doctors still dont know exactly whats wrong. i am in a careless phase where i am wasting the days keeping myself busy. i am fragile, every time i look up into my reality i break down so i remain here in my fantasy. atleast im keeping everyone happy right? they want me alive so i am. something inside feels like i shouldnt be living this way just to keep others happy. arent they selfish for wanting me alive no matter the hell i am going through? idk anymore. i wish God would rescue me too…
I’m so sorry you guys are going through this.:( I’ve gotten better lately and am not suicidal anymore,(things can get better,I’m a living testament to that!)but i remember what it feels like and I still get really depressed sometimes. I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a really kind, good person to me. 🙂 I know i don’t know you personally,but I can’t think of a better thing to be than kind.everyone on this site is so nice and it just makes me so sad sometimes,because it’s terrible that we have to feel this way,but I don’t think we always see the beautiful things about ourselves clearly because we’re so focused on the negative. I know everyone has different beliefs about God,so I’m just telling you my own personal ones,is that okay? I know religion is a tricky topic,I’m just stating what I believe.I’m a christian,and I believe God loves everyone.i’m a recovered anorexic,and I remember some days being sooo painful,I felt like,how could God ever love me after what I’ve done and who I am? but it’s not about anything that we’ve done-we have this mentality that we aren’t good enough for God. but he loves you because He is love,He is great! and it’s a pure love,and that’s for always,no matter where you are or what you’ve done or how you view yourself,or how badly you think you’ve screwed up. He will always help you-he made you and loves you deeply,and there is nothing that Jesus’ sacrifice for us can’t cover. don’t ever believe the lie that he doesn’t love you and you can’t turn back and ask for help,because you are NEVER too far gone for God to save you. He is God. k,much love to all of you guys on this site! I really hope you feel better soon.don’t let anyone tell you you don’t deserve to live! it’s not true!!God made you,and his opinion outweighs theirs,don’t you think? 🙂 -Ella
@ Ella- thank you. your words are sincere and that means a lot.
you so welcome! i’m glad i helped. 🙂 i think we all just have to stick together through this,you know? i’m here if you ever want to talk about anything,okay? just please don’t give up. your worth wayyy more than that.