sadness

i want to disappear, forever. it’s been a year, the most agonizing and painfully slow year of my life. i should be better, but i’m not.

recently, i was admitted into a psychiatric unit as an inpatient. i was on suicide watch. they locked me in a room and had a police guard sitting outside my door. then i was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. i had to call my mom. she cried. it hurt.

i cut. i hate myself. i hate my elephant body. i count calories meticulously, but i also go on terrible binges. i purge. my sad bouts get progressively worse. i can’t control my thoughts, thoughts that tell me to kill myself. thoughts that say i might as well put an end it all. i get closer every day to jumping off the ledge of existence.