They want me to die, but I am afraid

Can’t bear the pain of being so despised, by the people I need to give me strength. Antidepressants don’t work, have been taking them for years. I get admitted to hospital, and get pumped full of drugs, I am ok for while but then, again I am kicked down into the hole for another year. They tell me I’m being indulgent, but I just want to hide from the world. Have become a hermit, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t drive or go to the shop. 15 years in the hole is unbearable. I don’t believe it’s a medical issue, but the only response to the realization that I am a preferred scape goat, and essentially worthless. Each time I emerge to finally get my head above the water, those that i need, push me back under.I wish for oblivion, I want to be happy, but in 40 years have not been able to feel what for some is so easy. I have tried to exit, but it’s not easy. I have done my research, but not having the courage makes this purgatory endless.

I seek hope, but am doubtful i can find it. So i guess I need courage to finally go.