Not really sure how to start this post or how to talk about this, i guess the comfort is in that nobody knows me.  I’m at a dead end , im only the good person i think i am.  I have so much hate in me im almost misanthropic , but i love company , but at the same time i hate it.  My life has been ok , ive traveled places i have people in my life, my sister and mother and some friends.  But i have come to the stage where i just don’t want to deal with living anymore,  i have suffered from being empty for a long time , the doctors and there friends have given it a name schizophrenia , blah blah blah , but the thing is where i live , in a tiny village in wales it just doesn’t get noticed which is fine with me. But he fact i cant work because of it i feel even more of a loser . I’ve been toying with death for a long time , shall i? shouldn’t i ? am i being selfish? the only thing that’s holding me back is my family i don’t want to hurt them but i don’t want to be here anymore , i really don’t. I hate being me, i hate people i hate everything, i love music , i love animals , i love my family and the people i don’t think are cunts . I don’t want to feel any more pain , i dont want to worry about bills , i dont want to hate , i dont want to worry , i just want to be at peace and not stress all the time.  I have, someone who loves me, a girl and i love her, but its not like you might think love is its a mess.  I dont see her, i want to and would do anything to but it doesn’t happen , i feel like im being led on and fucked around all the time but i know she at least cares about me its more like a best friend thing, which is fine but id rather know that. anyhow , im not sure what im asking here, or if im asking anything. Just someone to talk to would be good, i have so many doctors etc. but GP’s are useless , for the fact that its never the same Gp so how can you gain trust if its a different person every-time and then the phyciatrist you see every 3 months  . I want to leave, please give me some advice abou h best way of doing this. what i can leave or write to make peole maybe understand a bit better about me . thank you
****
2 comments
That seems like a tough place to be in, a lonely place where it’s hard to feel understood.
You are your own destiny, so if suicide is what you want to write for yourself, then you also need to look at other options so you don’t miss the best choice for what will make you … you.
I would check out other people who have made history that share your diagnosis, and see how they made sure that they outlived their lives. Suicide seems so small in the great thought of being forgotten and just written off. You seem highly intelligent so that would feel like a waste almost.
Some of these weirdos on here probably should just do it already, but when someone who seems talented, and bright, and logical comes along i cannot help but say WAIT!! what about your story? what about your talents ? I read a quote : “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.”
— Philip K. Dick
Maybe you are hardwired the way you are for a great purpose and the depression/painful moments are part of the gig, but it can’t possibly stay the same forever, you after all are in control. You may not feel like it, but if yu can hush that little voice in your head and hear the one that is in your heart you might be the next big mover and shaker, or you might be able to be someone of influence for those like you.
–
–
– or you might fail and become a janitor at Wendy’s, but hey… it’s a gamble you gotta take the risk and play.
Thank you for your fast response . Im not sure what wendys is we dont have them over here in the UK but im guessing its some kind of food place , like Mcdonalds ? although i have respect for people that work at them places , given there normally young people 18 – 21 or something , i couldn’t do it although cleaning does sound like a good option though knowing my luck id get a bastard boss. No i dont want to clean> yes i always thought that id do better things, and i have the talent to do it, im a singer, i play guitar , piano , i can program things like that but call me a coward but i cant deal with being me in this day and age , im getting to the stage where im losing my mind but it doesn’t show to other people , they might just think im a bit odd. Or even if i had the right help , and not just be passed from pillar to post to doctor to doctor from pill to pill . But i think it makes me sound lazy like i want it all done for me, but i just want someone to understand , someone that sees the torment , someone that can see the hate , even though i have stupid puppy dog eyes and very plesent and kind and understanding my self , behind the mask im wearing a frown , and its making me very very very bitter