i cant stand you, i need you

she was like a mom to me, a figure i never had before,i loved her when she was gone, and i hated her when she was around, she was either in an over protective mood were she drove me crazy, or in a cool person mood, were you could tell her anything and not be scared,i was never use to someone being so protective over me, i was always use to being kicked out of the house and left to sleep out side under a pine tree,where noone wondered or cared if i was even alive,but with her,if i came in the door a minute late she would freak out,literally,if i met a friend i had to give her there first an last name so she could look them up to make sure they were safe to hang out with,i didnt listen to her sometimes cause i would get mad at her,so i hung out with my friends and she wouldnt know where i was, and she would get so angry at me,she said i was precious to her and she was only trying to protect me,but i would argue with her yelling at her, saying she didnt ,and i said(youll just disapear like everybody els in my life,)she always said she wasnt everybody els and that she promised she would never go away, some months i didnt argue with her at all, i just chose to believe her,over time my anger just kept getting worse, she would constantly make promises and brake them like i was worthless as shit,saying shell be there one day, or spend time with me, and i started not believeing her at all, she made everything worse, i always wanted a mother figure, but i didnt want her to lie to me and hurt me all the time,or when she was in cranky moods i could cut myself and she wouldnt care,but when she wasnt around all i did was cry for hours having panic attacks,one day i thought she broke her biggest promis so i ran straight out into a high way,i almost got hit a couple times,i ended up going impatient, she called me on the phone an talked to me and i felt better, wen i was around her all my pain went away,when i herd her voice that was all i needed to beable to be able to breathe again,but one day, she did brake her promis, i felt like i experienced death , she just left, i tried to look for her every where and i couldnt find her, everytime i see a car thet looks like hers tears automatically roll down my face, i needed her, i seen her a couple months after and she ran up to me and huged me, she was crying saying she missed me, all i really said was i missed her to,its been almost a year now, i dont trust anyone any more,i cant forget her, i cant controll my tears, i want to tell her i hate her for being such a lier and braking so many promises, cause she obviously hates me to, she never cared,