I feel so completely alone. I don’t see the point in living.
Almost all of my family is fucked up, they love me but they’re mostly alcoholics and/or deluded. I know my dad will miss me, I hate to do this to him. My mom will too, and I care about her but not enough. Neither of them are enough. I’m sorry.
My boyfriend and I are “taking a break”. But I know what the end result will be. He’ll probably find someone else better than me. I don’t think he cares about me anymore. We used to be so in love… I love him so much. I wish I could take it back. I’m a horrible girlfriend. I’m sorry, Tyler.
I barely have any friends. I’m going to community college because I dropped out of high school and I can’t even get this right. Failing my classes. I am a complete failure with no future. I know I’m not smart enough to do what I want in life. Physics? I’m not good enough at math. I can’t get a job anywhere because of my social anxiety, anyway. I am pathetic and I can’t deal with people.
I have no real interests or hobbies. And honestly, I am an ugly sack of shit. I do not exercise because I’m too lazy. I am not a delicate little flower. I disgust myself. I wish I was blessed with better genetics or some self-discipline.
I am going to die eventually, it might as well be by my own choice. I’m not scared anymore.
I don’t deserve a good life… I try so hard but everything blows up in my face… no, I don’t even try so hard sometimes… life is too difficult.
I can’t decide how I’m going to end my life. I need to as soon as possible. I need out.
5 comments
hi morgan. reading your post made me want to cry because i understand what our going through,or I can relate. school was hard for me,not because i’m not smart-i had 4.0 before my dad screwed everything up and we lost our house,and then i couldn’t keep up my grades. i was 15,and struggling from anorexia and just,life was sooo hard. i hopped from house to house,sleeping on friend’s couches,living with people i can’t even believe i stayed with now,looking back. things are stable now(i’m 19,it’s about time) but i have no idea what to do with myself because my whole life has been about surviving for so long that i don’t know what to do now. did you get our GED? you said your going to community college and think that’s amazing.:) i get social anxiety stuff too,i used to be really outgoing and some things happened and now it’s like i’m always defensive. i think everyone is going to hurt me even though i know they aren’t. please don’t give up. i’m here for you if you ever want to talk okay? your not alone.
you can email me if you want anytime. elle.92@hotmail.com
i put down my email but it’s awaiting moderation…grrr. lol.:)
please please please pleaaase don’t give up! you have so much ahead of you! everything could change for the better!
I know how you feel when it comes to being ‘an ugly sack of shit’, ‘my family is fucked up, they love me but they’re mostly alcoholics’, ‘I’m a complete failure with no future’..that’s me to a tee, at times. Morgan…that was going to be my name before my mother named me Jamie after my grandfather who’s name was James. That isn’t even relevant to your post, but just thought I’d bring it up.
Just because you dropped out of highschool does not make you a failure. It’s good you’re going to early college though, it’ll help you out a bunch. No matter how much a person may ‘fuck up’, they are never a failure. If they haven’t done anything right in their lifetime, they have done one thing right: survive. That’s the number 1 priority in life. Not everyone can do it, so seeing that you have survived tells me something about you.
Considering that your family isn’t what you want them to be, you and your boyfriend are taking a break, and you’re failing your classes, you might not have much motivation or inspiration to do anything right now. I know how that is completely. One thing that helped me out a bit whenever I was feeling like a failure was this: It’s not you that’s fucked up, it’s the world around you. All things happen for a reason, and in the end they all play a part in forming who you are now, and who you will become. You cannot sit back and let the wheel of life spin in completely different directions. You have to make it spin the way you want it to. So, you don’t want to be failing your classes? Let all of your problems escape your mind, study up and become committed to your schooling. You can’t sit back and let things hurt you and confuse you. This is your life, and you can take control. You have ultimate power, even when it seems you don’t.
I hope things brighten up for you soon Morgan. Take care of yourself.
-Jamie
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