When I was still in Korea  for the exchange student program, that was the time that I was so down and determined to kill myself. However, I realized that i can’t die in a foreign country.  So I just let it pass and hoping that things will get better for myself and that I want to see my friends and family too when I get back. I actually sort of planned everything when I was still there; I’ll get a job or find something that won’t me make rely on anyone financially. I was really positive about this plan because I thought since I felt miserable while I was in Korea maybe when I’m in my home country things will be different. No, I wasn’t miserable because of the people there or I abhor the environment, as a matter of fact, they were extremely nice and accommodating to me. When I was there, that was the very first time in my life that I felt  really good about myself. My Korean friends, they just know how to make me feel special.
When I came back two months ago, I’ve applied countless of times from call centers to office based job but no one wants to hire me. Or some twist of fate happens and eventually I can’t get the job. Like what the fuck??!!
It’s hard for me to handle rejections since all my life I believed that I was smart or special but in all honesty… I am neither. I don’t have any special skill that I’m good at. I’m stupid in math and I’m unattractive as hell. All of these things magnifies every single time I faced rejection right in to my face. The feeling of not being good enough is a constant battle. I’m insecure with my friends because it seems that looking for a job for them is just a piece of cake and actually right now they have their own jobs already.
To be really honest, I have an unpleasant childhood. My father left us when I was 8 years old. I have excruciating experiences dealing with my sexuality and accepting it. The only reason why I keep waking up every day is because I thought things will get better by tomorrow. But that fancy concept is a big fat lie!
I don’t know… I guess I just need a validation from someone or (something) for me to be able to acknowledge my worth. Right now, I feel like a total shit that needs to be erased in this world.