Perhaps writing it down and clicking “publish” will help

I’m 30 years old, female. Ever since I was a child, I had a hard life (I prefer to not get into details about that). I never envisioned a real future for myself. While most kids thought about what they wanted to study in college or what they wanted to be when they grow up, there were only 2 things that I envisioned for myself: 1) jumping off high rise buildings to end the suffering, and 2) finding the love of my life to rescue me from this misery and live happily ever after. Well, I’m single now, went through 3 serious/heartbreaking relationships where the men just didn’t want me after all, and now I’m working 10-12 hours a day to support myself financially since my parents can’t help me. I’m too tired to even “try” to enjoy life or find love again. At this rate, I’ll be single and lonely forver, as I’m not getting any younger here. I still envision jumping off buildings, or even buying a gun. Really, I have no reason to live. I’m just waiting for (god forbid) my parents to pass away first, before I make official plans to do it.