OK, so I’ve decided to start posting some of my writing. I’m going to try to post something every night. I think it might help me to share it, and maybe it might help some other people here in their journeys. At least, I hope it will.
What I’m posting tonight is the poem I get my username from. I figured that was a good place to start. I know it doesn’t rhyme, so it doesn’t count as real poetry or anything. I wrote this a few months ago.
ANY AND ALL FEEDBACK IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED! (Also, any suggestions for a title?)
These subtle bloodstains
Soak the whiteness to red
As she lies motionless
The instantaneous and fleeting bliss
Overtakes her
Cherishing these few moments
Of complete serenity
Closing her eyes
Floating above
Seeing past the dim mists
A heart so bittersweet
And knowing it will never be hers
Knowledge
The merciless torturer
Rattles her consciousness
Breaking down her carefully constructed city
Leaving it in ruin
Accelerated sinking
Back to Reality
Losing her vision and demi-world
The pain, the shame become acute
The responsibility of living
Proving to much
For a naïve little girl
Hope promises Possibility
Promises Life
Happiness
Peace
Hope, the worst of bandits
Stealing her Possibility, Life, Happiness, Peace
Leaving no shred of dignity for her to cling
Remaining are only her deepest regrets
These subtle bloodstains
Soak the whiteness to red
As she lies motionless
The instantaneous and fleeting bliss
Overtakes her
As she drifts away forever
(Oh and it’s about cutting and suicide, if you didn’t catch that. They seem to be common themes in my writing.)
6 comments
this is so sad!! the writing is really good though. I think good writing should evoke emotion and I can really relate and feel your pain. *hug* hang in there,i hope posting these help.
Hi. I like it.
I feel the rhythm of it fits very well with the theme.
If it’s not too obvious, I’d simply call it “These Subtle Bloodstains”. Then again, I’m rubbish at titles. Who the hell invented them anyway?!?
ellachristina: Thanks so much! I think it is helping. I usually pretty bad at opening up to people or expressing myself. I think this is good practice.
muspelhem: Thanks. I will keep your suggestion in mind. And, I hate titles as well, that’s why I just ask everyone else. Lol.
Crowdsourcing. Great idea. People will usually come up with a handy way to refer to something.
Hi. I think it’s a good idea to post a poem everday. I will try to read them if I can! So far, so good! How old are you? Your use of language is incredible, college level work, really!(even professional, you put the so called “great” Emily Dickenson to shame-she always seemed like a hack to me!) I am not an expert at poetry (when I was younger I was a big fan of Poe, but I could never stomache his peoms, let alone other peoms from less favored authors) so it is high praise coming from a non-fan! I especially like:
“Knowledge
The merciless torturer
Rattles her consciousness
Breaking down her carefully constructed city
Leaving it in ruin. ”
I like the comparision of her consciousness to a carefully constructed city… This poem is almost scientific in a way, it is rational, and I like that in poetry. Most poetry I’ve read seems too generic and the wording is too flowery.. BIG words, no real meaning, and no connection to the whole. But your’s is meticulous in a fashion, yet I sense true feeling in it. A real pain in it(not belittling all poets, but most of their pain seems contrived.)
But I will say hope will not steal away your possibilies and happiness.. it will just bring more possibilites to you. Just don’t let extrateneous factors such as doubt crush your HOPE. Keep the hope, not the doubts.. You ARE good!
Thanks. I’m 16. Annabel Lee is one of my favorite poems.