I’m thirteen. I’ve been a cutter since I was eleven. Today, I was going to commit suicide because I was tired of the constant pain and the drama with my family and friends and everything else. Only five people know I cut. My ex  and four of my friends. I told one of them this morning that it may be the last time they talk to me and that if there was anything they wanted me to know, to tell me now. They replied back with a three page text about what their life would be like without me. It got me really thinking. I paid more attention to everyone that asked what was wrong and everyone who said hi, and figured if I was dead they’d miss me. Forty-seven. Forty-seven people. And most of them aren’t even really my friends, just people at school who notice me enough to say hi. No family or close friends. Just people I see and talk to every now and then. When I got home, I was texting a friend of mine. I made a promise to him that I wouldn’t cut again and that I was throwing away my blade and everything. I know that people break promises all the time, but not me. I stick with them. If I had to tell someone something I promised someone else I wouln’t tell anyone to save my life, I would die. Promises are everything to me. And his response, brought me to tears. “Wow im soo proud of u and just remember this ok “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” & things will get better just stay as positive as u can!” I threw away everything. The blade and the bandages I used to control the bleeding. Everything. I won’t go back there again. Isn’t it amazing how just one person can change everything?
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Good for you…I hope we all get strength like that. He was put in your life for a reason and you just figured out why.
That is wonderful. Keep noticing the people who do small things. My English teacher read us a story about this dude named bill who was walking home with a bunch of stuff in his hands. Bill dropped everything and this boy who was walking behind him helped him up and carried some stuff home for bill. After that they hung out a few times but didn’t even become best friends or anything. Bill graduated top of his class with Honor’s. Later he went back and told the guy from 7th grade that helped him with his stuff thank you. Bill told him that the reason he was carrying so much stuff was because he was going home to kill himself that day and didn’t want to leave a mess behind. But because of one person picking up his bags and helping him he saw that the world wasn’t so bad after all. The “little people” can make ALL the difference 🙂
My 7th grade teacher read this to my class. Everyone thought it was stupid and that you can never make such a difference by doing such a small thing. I’m about the only one who believed.
I’m glad that you decided to stop. If only I had that strength to stop.
I hope you find the strength. It may take a while, but hopefully you’ll find it. Good luck. If you need to talk, email me @ courtneylmoore76@gmail.com
Alpha,
I remember the day I gave up my blade. It was a ceremony. I gave it up for two people. One, because I shown a friend disrespect and I had bitterly disappointed myself. The other because she was to be my teacher. Her path was to be my path. A path of non aggression and non violence. And the aggression and violence crept back in an uncontrollable fashion. I wonder if she still has my soul. If she is keeping it in good condition. Because right at this moment it is bent and worthless. Not worth keeping. Because I continually keep disappointing myself…as well as the same people. Over and over again. And the thing is, they may have cared. I know I care for them. Always will. Want the best for them, even if I don’t understand why they do what they do. But I still care. But, I wonder Alpha…indulge me…it doesn’t seem to be a temporary thing anymore.
I’m becoming something I was not meant to be. And sometimes that needs to be ended. Put down like a rabid dog. Or, am I wrong?
It was a beautiful ceremony. I miss that blade. Miss the teacher and friends, too. Wished my apologies meant something to them. Because I didn’t mean to hurt them. It wasn’t meant to be that way. Not the people I care for. And the thing is, I do care for all of them. They just don’t know it, because I can’t seem to demonstrate it properly.
So, why not do it? A promise? Should I still keep my promise to my teacher? Keep going and not end the pain? Physical and mental? Tell me true Alpha. How do I get all those I have disrespected to understand that my apology is sincere? And is time for me to bow out? This isn’t what I was meant to be and I don’t know what I’m becoming. Do I keep my promise? And how do I rectify the situation?
If you made a promise, don’t break it. It will only lead to them being more and more disappointed in you. If the pain doesn’t seem to be temporary anymore, find the source and cut it off. Pain should always be temporary, the key is to finding a way to break off the ties with that pain without physically injuring yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Explain to the people you love and care about that no matter what, you’ll always be sorry for the things you do that aren’t right. The last time I kept disappionting people, I made myself change completely. It was hard, and it took awhile, but before I knew it, the only problems I had left were the ones I couldn’t do anything about. Except for the blade. I realized it wasn’t helping, but making things worse for everyone. Try writing individual letters to them all. Try talking it out face-to-face, one-on-one. Keep pushing through it. Good luck and I hope and pray that things get better for you.
Thank you for responding Alpha. It is very appreciated. Very wise words. Thank you.