Today I found out that my Great Grandmother died of pneumonia last night in hospital. And I felt nothing. We were fairly close and I liked her far more than my Grandma. But when I heard she’d died… nothing. Nothing at all. I felt nothing for her death.
What makes me sad is the impact it has on the rest of my family. I nearly cry when I think about my Great Grandad having to hear his wife’s passed away and my Grandad hearing he’s lost his mother. It makes me really sad to see my mum so not herself. I can’t help but comfort my relentlessly irritating 14 year old sister and wipe away her tears.
I hate the thought that a Husband is without a Wife, a Son and Daughter without a Mother, Grandchildren without a Grandmother and Great Grandchildren without a Great Grandmother.
I may be one of those Great Grandchildren, but for some reason I just don’t feel anything for myself. Sympathy for the others, certainly. Grief for myself, none at all. Why? Why am I so alright with saying goodbye to someone who featured so heavily in my childhood? Why does her death not bother me?
I think perhaps it might be the thought death in general. Have my suicidal thoughts immobilised my ability to feel death?
It’s just that all I think is that she’s moved on to a far better place now, whether it’s eternal sleep or eternal paradise. I feel sad that she couldn’t be with her husband during her final minutes, but that’s as far as it will go. We will all die, some sooner than others. Her life was good and long and filled with love and laughter and happy memories. She was a lovely, kind, funny lady who always gave me and my sister chocolates and £2 each every time we saw her when we were little. But I still don’t feel sad or in mourning or anything. I loved her, but her death means little to me.
What kind of a person have I become?
I feel like a cold, heartless *****. It’s not normal to be so okay with death at my age. I should be sad, I should be miserable, but I feel the same as I did yesterday. People die every day, they always have and always will. Death is a fact we must all accept. I just feel abnormal for being this accepting of death. I guess it sucks to lose a loved one, but you get over it and one of these days you’ll be the one being lost. Not really a big deal, life goes on. Death happens and when it does, it’s fine for the person dying but not for those left behind. In any case, leaving is easy whereas being left isn’t.
I do not fear death in the slightest, I welcome it. The only thing stopping me from ending it all myself is the impact on my family. I don’t want them to know how fucked up I am and I don’t want to fuck their lives up, either.
But it still bothers me how unaffected I was by my Great Grandmother’s death. I want to help and comfort my family but I neither need nor want help and comfort myself. I don’t even need to comfort myself, because for whatever reason, I don’t seem to feel anything.
It scares me how numb I must have become.
Help me. Explain me. Analyse me. Judge me. Label me. Give me a condition. Empathize. Hate me. Just please, please, please help me understand myself. I’m lost and frightened in my screwed up mind.
4 comments
Hey. I know exactly what you mean. My great-grandmother died a few months ago and the exact same thing happened to me. My grandfather died a little over a year ago and I never even cried. I was close to both of them and I never got to say goodbye to either but it didn’t bother me at all. I was not upset and it was awkward around all my weeping relatives because I did not empathize in the slightest. I feel bad for everybody else, but I can’t feel anything but peace when I think about death for anyone. That is not normal.
I think it has to do with being conditioned to death to an extent. When it’s always in the back of your mind, it’s easier to deal with when it actually happens. But also, I think it’s because you don’t view death as an inherently bad thing, like me. When you stop being afraid and scared of death, your mind changes. Why mourn something that is not bad? Also, I think it has to do with accepting change and realizing that nothing is permanent.
Just my opinion.
That is exactly how I feel @subtle_bloodstains. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone 🙂
No problem. 🙂
I dont know. I’m in my 20’s and feel that way. But it’s wasn’t always like that. When I was in my early teens I would get very emotional. Maybe it was just adolescence. I understand what rage feels like. I understand why people feel greed, envy, hatred but I haven’t felt these things since childhood. I doubt I will ever feel it again, it’s been too long. Like someone who takes coke for years. Eventually you get used to the high that nothing else compare. Just completely blown away the neurotransmitters so they feel numb, tired and bored.