When you dig down deep, all that’s there is blood.

It started when I was 11, the bullying. It was simple at first; called fat and ugly. It started to excel though, through out the year. I was a heavy set child, short and pudgy. But not obese. I told my mum, she said I just wanted attention. I let it keep happening for a couple months, then it got out of hand. I started being followed home by a couple of boys. They rode bikes usually, sometimes skateboards. I didn’t know what they wanted with me. A couple weeks after, a brick broke my window in the middle of the night. There was a note attached on it. it read “Kill yourself, you fat pig.” I still have the note. it was terrifying, but my mum couldn’t afford to send me to a private school. I continued to go to that school. fast forward about a year, 12 years old now. I was still pudgy and made fun of. I started having suicidal thoughts. I wanted to dull them. I started cutting my legs and my wrist. At one point I contemplated slitting my throat. I stopped eating. I wouldn’t eat for days at a time, only drinking small amounts of water. I lost the weight. For a while, I wasn’t made fun of. But all good things come to an end. Boys started saying I wasn’t pretty enough, or skinny enough.

Fast forward another year, I’m 13 now. It’s the beginning of my 8th grade year. I have no friends, my family thinks I’m joking, and i’m at this point, suicidal. A new boy comes. He’s just like me. Scared, lonely, and picked on. We immediately become friends. We stay friends. He helps me with my situation, I help with his. I’m becoming happier, having him around. A couple moths after this, my brother comes home. He had been ignoring our family for 3 years at that point, and I had given up on ever seeing him again. He came to my house one day, looking for my dad. He had a friend with him. Upon me saying I was the only one home, and inviting them in to wait, I noticed something. The look on their face wasn’t quite normal; a bit crazed and drunken, to be honest. As soon as I shut the door, they took me to my bedroom. My brother stripped me and looked at my naked, 13 year old body. He told his friend to do what he wished; upon handing my brother his money, he proceeded to rape me. I was being prostituted by my own brother. fast forward 2 months. I tell my best friend, He’s there for me, no matter what I do wrong. I’m starting to fall in love. I was still bullied; and called fat and ugly, and stoned. But I didn’t let this get to me. I finally got up the courage to tell my mum about my brother. She didn’t believe me. That or she didn’t care. I didn’t know.

I become suicidal again, and try to commit suicide that night. I try an overdose, I had to go to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. My mum is mad more than worried. She starts to abuse me, physically. I tell my father, but he’s already become a drunken mess upon finding out what I had done. Fast forward about 2 years. I’m now 15. This is my current age, and my current situation. About 3 months ago, my brother showed up at the door again; with the same friend. He payed my brother and the friend did what he wanted. I was terrified. My mum still abuses me. I don’t think I should tell her.

The worst part about it is, I no longer have anybody. You’re probably thinking, “What about the best friend, what happened to him?” Well he committed suicide three days ago. I’m not going to go into why or how he did it. It’s to painful to talk about. I don’t want to cry, and I won’t. I know if I do, I won’t stop. The self inflicted injury is getting worse. Cutting my wrist, ankles, legs, anywhere I can find with a vein. My fore arms, and even my neck now. I’m starting to drink and take drugs again. I just want to die. I don’t think life is worth it anymore. I have nothing… nobody to live for. I loved him and only him. I haven’t attempted suicide since the death. But the time for me to go is coming near. I was never good enough for him or anybody else anyways. My own mother didn’t love me. I don’t have anybody. I’m not sure what to do anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I’m completely numb. I have no emotion anymore. This could be goodbye, we won’t know for sure until morning.