Alone and cold

first off let me just say how happy i feel finding this website
(albeit a little random, just googled cold and alone)
Like im sure everyone else on this website my life story is a bit too long to include on my first post,
so i’ll try and keep it to the point.

I had a somewhat happy childhood. I did have sexual contact (mostly with other boys around my age at the time)
when i was still very young. Then the infamous 8th grade came along and everything changed.
I had to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, be cool etc in order to be recognised. I used to think,
why cant people just hang out and have fun the way we used to as kids?
And i kept asking myself the same question throughout teenagehood.
I was bullied quite thoroughly from 8th to 12th grade and even into the first year of college.

I was always rejected, and never had any intimate relationships
with people of the opposite or same sex my whole life.
Ive always been quite a loner 🙁 I just dont feel a true connection with people.

I dont think i have the guts to kill myself, but on the other hand sometimes
i just have overwhelming feelings of dread and saddness
that i just dont know what to do. I feel so cold and alone sometimes.
On the plus side I think im actually started to like it, its kinda weird to describe,
but i just dont give a shit nemore.

That doesnt mean everything is alright. I dont think any living creature should be alone
and i still think im suicidal, infact thats probably the reason i joined the army,
against everything telling me not to, i just thought what the hell
might as well go out in a bang.

A couple of times i’ve felt so sad that i just break out weeping in public!
The way i feel is hard to explain, but its like having a blackhole deep in my chest,
sucking away at me slowly. To top it off i always feel like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece,
could it be love? I have such a big heart and perhaps if i could love someone and be loved, everything would change,

What do you guys think?

But then ofcourse thats just hypothetical, i have always been rejected,
no matter how hard or soft i try, something always seems to happen, god damn this life!!