attempting to explain how it feels to me- do you feel similar?

It’s like you’re trapped inside yourself, you can’t escape unless you allow yourself to escape- but there’s a cage there preventing your escape and every time you manage to break one of the walls down, another higher wall builds up, separating you from everything and everyone else and making escape all the more impossible. And the more you try, the harder it gets. And you’re trapped inside yourself, so you’re sitting there and everything hurts and you want to curl up and cry for hours, but you continue to just sit there, somehow feeling numb and being in pain at the same time. And you can’t move, you can’t get up and you don’t know why you’re still a prisoner to your mind, but you are and fighting it becomes more and more difficult. When you’re not sitting there either stuck in your own sadness or trying to escape it, you try your best to go about life as you would normally. You smile and you laugh when you can and sometimes it works, sometimes you feel almost whole and sometimes this can last for hours or days, sometimes even weeks. But then the walls suddenly close in again at the tiniest trigger and without warning and you’re completely trapped again and the only way you find escape is by sleeping. Some days you cry  yourself to sleep at the strangest times of day, and you wake up and wish you hadn’t because nothing’s better and it’s all the same. And there are times when you hate yourself for feeling this way, because it doesn’t make sense- you’re the bubbly, dependable person with the silly sense of humour and owner of too many shoes, with a secure home life and a great group of friends. But you’re like this and you don’t know how or why. And it’s the weekend and you woke up feeling okay after the pain of yesterday, but the sadness hit again soon after and you found yourself crawling back into bed and wanting to simultaneously cry and sleep but you felt too numb and empty to do anything. And you’re trapped in this strange cycle of pain, numbness and short bursts of happiness and escape just doesn’t seem possible, so often you feel like there’s only one solution. And you know it’s wrong, you know that dying at the age of just sixteen is unlikely to benefit anybody, not even yourself. Because to you, death is nothing but endless sleep, which sounds so comforting except the fact that it’s comforting because death is only painful for the living left behind. And you can’t leave everything in such a mess, but every day you think about how you’d do it and no matter how hard you try to stop, the thoughts remain. And you’re so trapped and you can’t tell anybody this because you’re the happy, bubbly one who’s always trying to improve things for others and make sure they don’t feel like you do because you know how much it hurts to feel so trapped inside yourself and unable to escape without breaking everything else.