It would seem as though I have a lot. Well-off family, decently attractive, intelligent…the list goes on. Sometimes, I feel like such an asshole for even feeling lousy when so many people in the world are suffering and have none of the things I have. But I just cant find a way to be happy.
I was adopted, so I don’t even know my medical history. Depression in the family? Who knows. I am 22 now and should be graduating from college, but I have transferred twice and can’t connect socially with anyone, anywhere. Everyone thinks I am super smart and know everything, but then why can’t I pass a test or get good grades? Why can’t I make friends? My parents are forcing me to move closer to home and try switching schools again. At this point, I see no point.
I also suffer from sexual orientation issues, by which I mean that I have lived a gay lifestyle since a teenager and never even been with a girl, But I was never fully comfortable being out about it and still am not. I don’t even know if I really am gay. I don’t seem it at all. I hate it. I just wish I could figure it out. Who wants to be friends with a guy who is pushing 23 and still sexually confused? Nobody, especially other guys. It makes me miserable. I don’t even tell my roommates, so when they find out somehow, it won’t be pretty.
I had a boyfriend when I first moved to this city. He was super into me and pushed for the relationship to begin with. for a while, I was actually happy. He said he wanted to be with me forever. We spent most all our time together. But I could never trust him and was always paranoid he was cheating on me, and I think at some point he just got sick of it and dumped me. I have been suffering for the last 8 months without him. I am stuck and can’t move on. I want to blame him for abandoning me but I feel as though it is my fault. The one person I ever loved, gone. And for what? No good reason. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed. He used me for sex a few times since and then stopped talking to me, so now I just feel even more betrayed. Haven’t heard from him in a month.
I always am lying to people to make myself sound better, even my friends. I tell them I got into grad school far away, when really, I can’t even finish my bachelor’s and have to move back home at 22 because I am so pathetic, possibly starting over at a community college after already going to highly ranked schools for 3 years. Nothing against community college, but when you are sliding backwards like I am, it is hard to not feel like a total loser.
My ex has made tons of new friends and moved on and seems so happy without me. Why can’t I do that? How is this fair? I gave up everything to be with him and had it all thrown in my face. I even told my parents. I can’t date anyone else because I have even worse trust issues now, and don’t know what gender I even want to be with! I really wish I could just meet the perfect girl and settle down and have a family. I think that would make me happy. But it won’t ever happen.
I tried studying abroad in France but got caught smoking pot and was thrown out. Of course, everyone was doing it, but I happened to be the one to get caught. It seems to always happen that way. Bad luck follows me around like the plague. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time. My friend (pretty much the only one I have) thinks I must do things to bring misery on myself, but what? I can’t figure it out. It makes me want to just die. I feel hopeless. Nothing I do ever works out. Nothing. I have a giant target on my back.
I don’t even know where I came from. I wish I knew who my mother was. Does she look like me? Does she have problems too? Has she had other kids? Is she even alive? Why did she give me up? I may never know the answers. I am breaking into tears just writing this. I just want to have friends. I just want to be loved, and love back. I just want to be happy. Why am I so out of place in this world? Do I even belong here?
I got scabies somehow in February and am still dealing with the miserable after-effects. And I hadn’t even slept with anyone! How is that fair?? I do everything right and still get an STD while other people around me are hooking up all the time with no consequences. Really, really, makes me angry. God must have it out for me.
I have already started over so many times and failed every time. I want it to end. I don’t know why I haven’t killed myself yet. Maybe because I feel like it would destroy my family. My grandmother, whom I loved dearly, passed away last month and I can’t force my mom to deal with it all over again. I just want her back. I was her oldest grandchild and she loved me. I grew up in her town and she was like my second mom, always there taking care of me and coming to my school events as a little kid. I can’t believe she is gone. But the world is still turning, and it will continue to do so even after I leave, right?
But nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit. Even if they want to, they can’t understand. They can’t give me answers, because there probably aren’t any. I was a mistake to begin with, a college party hookup gone awry, and I figure my bad luck is nature’s way of telling me that I am not supposed to be here. Maybe I’ll stick it out a while longer. I’m not good with physical pain. But if things don’t make a dramatic u-turn very soon, I just see no other way out.
5 comments
hi first of all tell me what is scabis and we can be friends i am julieta from mexico tell me about u add me in ajulieta_77@hotmail.com
this is going to sound really pathetic but so much of what you say sounds just like what I feel.
except that our lives are completely different 🙂 in superficial ways (like I am an old woman and you are a young man etcetc)
but even so the feelings and the ideas you express could be me talking!
I try to deal with the same things that disturb you, so I guess I will not be solving any of your dilemas, but at least you are not alone.
Cant resist a comment though:
If you have everything and you still feel bad it does not make you an arsehole. It does not make you a bad person.
NOONE would choose to have a debilitating condition like depression. And that is what you seem to have.
And one other thing:
I KNOW what it is like when someone makes you feel life is worth living for a while, and you grow to trust them, and then they “betray” you and leave you.
(with me it was after a 22 year relationship)
You and I have to start believing in and trusting in ourselves. Our ex-partners did do us one big favour. They prooved that life can be worth living. If life can be good WITH them, then it can be good without them.
I’d like to talk more.
Scabies can arise for many reasons, not just sex.
Hey , you’re right . No one will fully understand what you have been through or how your feeling, But I somewhat know how u feel . I’m here for you . If u need someone to talk to. I made an account just to tell you that, I care. I’m more then happy to be your friend .
Hi so if you are still in here or get these comments, I would really like to listen to you and speak with you. I’m 31 now, so I’m guessing a few years older than you, however, your post really touched me in an eerily familiar yet comforting way. Please message me so we can chat and i can explain more. If I don’t hear from you, or if in the worst of universes, you are no longer here, then I pray that you are at peace. But just know that you have it as perfect as it can get, you long to love and be loved: the place where true happiness lives and arguably the only true purpose of life. Its so frustrating to have that knowledge and see others oblivious to it and even exploit it. You are rare to figure that out so young, and although it may feel worse than death living without the thing that drives your very soul, it only feels that way because you have thought about it in that way. The true test lies in your patience to wait for it and not striving to seek it. I have loved and lost a million times over in my short life thus far and I have come so very close to losing all sight of hope, but you can’t and I held on with all my strength and then to feel love again, for however long, makes me realize why I fight so hard to hang on to hope.