I Never Wanted This…

As a teen girl life is and will be hard, not just for girls, boys aswell. I was one of the many that gave into temptation. temptation with drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships. At 14 years old i had been beaten or hit by ex boyfriends and my father, ran away from home three times, each over two weeks long, Been sexually abused 3 times. I have continued to cut and it’s turned from four or five at a time to a couple hundred at a time, i was bulemic. i started to hear and see things, voices and this man. i could feel him, feel him breathe, he kept getting closer and closer to me. i get threatened all the time from people i know and people i have never heard of. By the time these things started to happen i got worried.. i got worried i couldn’t handle this all on my own anymore, i couldn’t keep holding it or bottling it up all inside of myself. This was when i realized i had depression. i have now had depression for about two and a half years, and because of that i turned suicidol. Thinking i had no purpose. That i was a waste of space, a waste of a remarkable creation. I felt like i had no other choice but to end my life.
On my left forearm, the surface is covered in cuts, some deep, some only minor. I would cut and watch the blood roll down my arm as if i was releasing pain from my body. I have lost feeling in one small section of my arm because i hit a vein, that’s when i realized it was more than a coping strategy, it was an addiction. After one night of cutting.. one of my friends had convinced me to go out and drink with her and a few people i never met before, before i knew it, i was drunk, beaten, sexually assaulted and left to sleep on a concrete floor in a random laundry room in someones house. Even worse the night before i had been convinced without me knowing to try methamphetamine. I was hooked on it for about two or three weeks.
I had now isolated myself from everyone and everything, stopped going to school, found every reason in the world to cry every second i had. Then it led to sadly my nine attempts of suicide. I won’t go into detail about them but some put me in the hospital. recently i had been admitted into a psych ward for about two weeks. while i was in there i was allowed day passes, on a day pass i couldnt see anyone but family and i luckily was allowed on facebook to tell my close family and friends what was going on. i posted “in the hospital, won’t be on fb for awhile <3" and one girl continued to comment putting me down and then her friend joined in and made it worse. i deleted the post. i also recieved messages saying i was stupid and wasn't actually in the hospital, i was just a pathetic loser looking for attention. the hospital removed strings, sharp objects etc from me so i couldnt hurt myself but i snuck a blade in and in a place where they watch you intensely, i made 36 cuts on my left arm from things people had said to me. Sadly i didn't get much help from the hospital when i was discharged because i refused to believe they wanted to help me and pretended i was fine. Now it's been five months of councilling and i've been recovering more and more each day. i have a stable relationship finally that i can't explain how amazing it is. My boyfriend Cassidy has helped me through some of the roughest patches i've ever had to deal with and he's stuck by my side. He had been with me during breakdowns and sadly attempts but he's stopped me. Nothing is perfect, but i'm enjoying today for what it is.