I’ve come to the conclusion that im a complete waste of space, and i want to eliminate this pointless shitstain of an existence i call a life from the face of the earth.
My whole life i was labeled ugly and worthless, and any word that can add the prefix “un” would describe me. Im unathletic, untalented, unattractive, unimportant, unmotivated, uninteresting, unappealing, basically anything you can think of.
I grew up with my father always angry, and telling me i was a worthless human being. He would say it was his way of building me up to be a man, but all it did was make me believe him. And the daily beatings and him threatening to kill him self everyday, and leave my mother because of me didnt help me either. He even went so far as to put a gun to his head that he hid in my closet right in front of me as my younger brother and i watched with tears rushing down my face. I screamed for him not to do it, but sometimes i wonder deep down if i really wanted him to. And i was only 6 at the time.
And if its not my dad belittling me its my peers. I would constantly try to make new friends, but would always be outcasted and forgotten and in many instances tormented. I wasnt a hideous child, but i had the dorky bowl cut, glasses, and braces, so you can say i looked like a nerd, but i wasnt even smart, which is the ironic part. So i would try to be “cool” and try to flock around the typical “popular” kids only to be used for things, or just to be a target to their insults and laughter. Ofc i would sometimes know that they only let me be near them so they could use me, but i still wanted to belong, so i just took the abuse. Until eventually i gave up on friendship all together, and havent trusted anyone since high school. I only had a handful of real friends, and only really trusted one person in my whole life, but like everything else in my life i fucked that up and excommunicated myself to my only real best friend who i saw as a brother, for 2 years because of a dumbass girl. And when i finally grew the balls to apologize he moved away. I havent spoken to him since, its been 4 years.
During high school i would primarily stay at home because i was so sheltered that my mother made me be home by 7, so i just didnt try to go out. While most of my so called friends would go to parties and come home shit faced on a daily basis, i was at home, watching tv, like a loner. But i accepted it and decided to go to church, the only place my mother would let me stay later. But then when i was 15 my lead pastor of my church had an affair with my aunt. So my whole family was shunned like animals, and my so called church friends never spoke to me again. Then the next church my mother forced me into the pastor purposely picked me out of the whole church in the middle of the service and made me stand up and labeled me as an alcoholic drug addict, that goes to parties everyday, and was only their to fuck all his stupid ass church girls. Till that day i never even touched alcohol because it killed my grandfather before i was born. Since then i dont trust the institution of church, i barely believe in religion, i just say i believe in god to say i have something to believe in. But after everything i’ve been through i dont understand why.
After i lost my faith, i began to try drugs, so that i could prove that asshole right. Even that i failed in. In the beginning i was doing fine, and was working my way up on the drug ladder, i think the only thing i didnt try was the harder shit like coke and heroin and meth. But one day i couldnt handle anything anymore, but in the same time i would hate to be sober. So i would use my group of people i was hanging out with to get drugs, take them, and sneak away from them so that i could go home like the loner i was. They eventually caught on and stopped giving me free hand outs, so i had to steal to get my money. But then one day we got caught, and two of my “friends” got arrested as the police let me go since i handed him all my paraphernalia. Since then even smoking weed makes me so paranoid that i cant stand it. So i failed at being a drug addict. How many people can say that?
I have accomplished nothing since high school. I worked with my dad for 6 months, but he set the bar so high, the everyone expected me to be like this god or something, so i had to quit before the pressure engulfed me. Then i went to college for aviation, but i never showed up for class because i never understood anything, so i come to the conclusion that i suck at college. I just dont have the motivation, i hated every aspect of it. Most of the time i would just stay in my room and sleep all day because i hated myself so much for being such a failure. I’ve quit literally everything i started.
I only had one girlfriend in my whole life, and it was through the internet, and i never even met her personally. I never even kissed a girl, let alone had sex with one, but i tell everyone i have. When i was 10 i thought i loved this girl, so i told myself i wanted my first kiss to be from her. It wasnt even till i was 16 did i admit to her how i felt, and she rejected me after 6 years of obsessing over her. Since then i didnt want to try anything with anyone else because i was ashamed of my lack of experience, and i was always made fun of as a kid, so i just assumed everyone thought i was hideous, even though i lost the nerdy exterior i once had. so even though i had some girls tell me i was handsome, i never wanted to believe them, because i just thought they wanted to be nice to me. So i just push them away.
I still love my ex, but she has already moved on to someone that lives near her, so i decided to give up on her. I still really miss her, and think of her everyday. But i met this girl at my new job, and started to get feelings for her, and eventually told her, but she said she rather be friends. So after 2 months of being friendzoned, yesterday she tells me that she once did have feeling for me, and wanted to try a relationship. But i chickened out because i finally gave up on her, and now she changed her mind?? But then today i was ready to ask her to be my girl, but before i could do that she decides that she no longer had feelings for me and doesnt want a relationship, who completely changes her mind after less then 24 hours? First she said it was because of work, then she said it was because we werent compatible, then she just says im not her type, but if thats true then why the fuck did you tell me you wanted me 24 fucking hours ago?? I was contemplating suicide before i met her, but if you asking yourself, “is this really the reason this guy is thinking about offing himself?” well you are wrong, this is just the straw that is breaking the camel’s back.
My whole life i was alone, all i have are my thoughts, and the are riddled with my past mistakes and heartbreaks, and i have to relive them everyday. I cant stand it anymore, i have no real friends anymore, i cant see a future for myself because i fail at everything, im socially awkward from years of being a loner, and i feel so worthless that i feel i dont deserve happiness in this life anymore let alone love. I hate myself, i hate my life and the way i lived it, i hate everything, my body is just filled with hate and negativity, and i can no longer put this false persona of happiness i use in front of my family and co workers. I just feel like falling asleep forever and never waking up, because i have nothing to look forward to when i wake up. Im going to die eventually, so why cant i just speed up the process? Who would miss me? Maybe my mother, and my bother(the only reason why i havent killed myself yet, he is the last person i trust), but who else? No one would bat an eye if i were to die to tomorrow, if they were told that i died im pretty sure they would say “i dont even remember that guy”.
So i dont want to kill myself because i was molested, or because my family is dead, and i wont even say i had the worst life in the world. I want to kill myself because i had a pathetic life, and have a pointless existence, and to be honest i think i would be doing the world a favor. One less person out the 6 billion that are out there the universe has to worry about………I just cant deal with this pain and emptiness in my heart anymore……
9 comments
It doesn’t matter if you think you’ve had a pathetic life,be brave.because even one person can change the world,there’s really more in life and try to be brave and not like others that give up on life.
You are worth something hun. Your worth more than anybody in this world. I will always be here for you to talk too. PLEASE don’t kill yourself its not worth. I know you don’t me, and i dont know you but it will really hurt me if you killed yourself. You was brought on this earth for a reason, and it WONT to kill yourself
What would make you believe otherwise — that you have worth and value?
You have worth and value because your body is perfect and you should appreciate that you are alive,that you are able to do something, do you have any talent? And if you dotn’t you can try to do new things. You are beautiful and we all are capable to do something plus you<3 were created.
You are wise enough to understand that you have internalized much of what you learned from your father.
His depression has become your depression, as if he role modeled a depressive life for you.
But you are not trapped in it, it only feels that way now.
A therepist could help undue the thinking you learned from him.
Good luck
Your whole self concept is based on the negative emotions that your father and others instilled in you.
Which means that technically speaking you cannot yet find the real you under all those layers of suffering.
As Guardian advises a good therapist can help you to deprogram that situation.
@youdeservemore: i’ve given up on life a long time ago at young age, im only still here because i kept telling myself “well maybe next year will be different” and i would plan what i would do next. But what is next when i failed at everything i can acomplish at my age?? Whats next for me is a long life of failure and disappointment like the rest of my life was, but i cant even see that future for myself anymore, all i see is emptiness. And no i have no talent, everything i try i fail. And i use to believe everyone was born for a reason, but if thats the case what reason was a bum born? What reason was a baby born with a life threatening disease born? What reason were people that were murdered at a young age born? What reason were children in thrid world countries with no food born? Were they born to show the world how much life sucks and that death inevitable? Maybe thats why i was born, to show the world that life has no meaning, well at least to the few people that know me, to the rest of the world im a nobody and just going to become worm food and disappear without any difference.
@thelistener: thank you, but i dont see how im worth anything. I wont kill myself right now, but its a big possibility for the near future, after i confirm a few things.
@ambivalent: there really isnt much anymore that would change my mind, honsetly the only reason i still didnt kill myself was because i had the smallest sliver of hope that things might have worked with this girl from work i metioned above. But after that last HUGE dissapointment to me, and after i made her feel terrible for her desicion, i dont feel like i deserve to live anymore..i had my whack at live, and
failed, now its someone else’s turn to try, because im done, and given up on hope.
@ the Guardian: i cant just blame my father, though he was an ass to me my whole life, he’s just an idoit. I blame myself for the way my life turned out. If i didnt listen to my dad and bullies at school i wouldnt be so depressed and self conscience. If i wasn’t so afraid of what my parents thought of me i would have gone to more parties as a kid and experience more. If i wasn’t an asshole to everyone i met after only knowing them for only a month or so and distanceing myself from them because i think in the end they would only betray me like countless others, maybe i would still have friends. I made the wrong desicion for every desicion i made in my life, and its already to late to fix things in my opinion.
@owen: well i dont really have the money for therapy, or the time really. I told my mother that i have been depressed for a long time, and she basically told me i had to get over it, so i dont think i could get help from her to get me some therapy. I sent an email to some one, maybe that will help….
Can i get an update. I too feel like a waste of space in my apartment complex and everywhere i go. If you respond I’ll know you’ve overcome suicide. It would be cool to know how things are going.