I am fucked. It s not that I realized that just now but maybe at this moment i am completely aware of my state. i am partly proud because i am not trying to kill myself at least not today. it kind of hurts when you can’t change the fact that you don’t have anyone around you except your parents which are currently not here. i know this sounds pathetic but i really wish i have somebody who loves me for me, somebody who would hug me without me asking for it. i am at a really bad state now and i would like to know why is it so hard to love me? i mean it ‘s not good when i am trying so hard, helping others, when i am a good person ( my mom always says that God will award me for my kindness, but i guess she is wrong) and it’ s no good when i am trying to be heartless. if only somebody would tell me how to live? how to survive?
i am messed up. i am aware that i am slightly sick because i tried to kill myself twice but i am not the only one right? i just wish people were not so selfish. i am go to overcome this at least for tonight i mean what s the point of hurting myself because i always wake up tomorrow with new scars. and no one understands. the only thing that s wrong with me is that i still keep waiting for people who will care, for something real that will last, for those who will accept me for who i am. i know now it is pointless. nothing is ever going to change. I will let go, and i know i can do that because i am going to show to myself and to everybody that i am strong enough to handle it alone. and than i am going to crack, break the promise i gave to my mom and finally do something restless. yes i am going to give up and die because that s the best thing i know!
2 comments
I think you can find someone to love you for who you are. It can be a lot to do with which social circles you look for boy-/girlfriends in.
For example, I only recently figured out that I like hippie girls who’re engaged in voluntary work and stuff like that. Before that, I was always looking in the wrong places, glitzy clubs, etc.
Of course it’s not always that simple, but I hope you can find someone for you. I’m sure they’re out there.
Take care, and yeah, be proud that you stayed alive today, even though it was hard.
🙂
You are your best friend, you need no one elses approval. Look at what you have done, you have survived, and you are not afraid to battle death. You make a good living person, a hero. You are not afraid. We need more people like that in the world. If you will, you would die a slow death, spending your life giving for others, for the best love, is the love a human being has for another, not the love of ones self, despite what society might say.