I’ve never attempted suicide, but I find myself thinking about dying ALOT. Wondering who would care, how would their lives be, who would miss me, if my ex would feel guilty, how would I die, who would be at my funeral. I feel as if these thoughts consume a part of me that is too much to bare. Here I am 9:20 am. I should be in class but of course I woke up today with no sense of motivation, wondering why I woke up in the first place. I fucked myself over again, I failed last semester, &failed this semester too because I have many days like today where I just don’t want to move, speak, eat, or even breathe for that matter. At one point I felt ontop of the world, it’s pretty funny how one guy can complete you in so many ways and then with a few words destroy every part of you, everything you live for. &It’s my job to somehow piece myself back together again, be happy while everything around me just goes to shit. Letting the little things consume all of my energy, letting thoughts consume all of my time. I’m just lost and confused I guess.
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I’m lucky that I was able to maintain at least some composure in my early years. I started to lose interest at 17 and then it was just downhill yet I still got through it and now have a professional career. Its ok to feel that way. There are lots of things you can do to try and ignite it. I’ve been on various medications but obviously as ive changed over the years it doesn’t always last. Psychology also has a big impact. Inevitably the outlook improves one you build up momentum.
Very true, I’ve thought about counseling and medication but I feel as if it’s a crutch and if I ever really want to shake off my depression is to do it on my own. I just feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, trying to get through college, look for a job, then my mother has two brain tumors, my brother just beat stage four cancer, I have two disabled brothers, my dad is sick no financial stability and trying to steer my younger sister in the right direction. Did I mention I’m only 20 lol its just really rough for me.
Yeah but they are probably a lot stronger than you think. If you weren’t around then things might fall apart but that hasn’t happened yet. Always prepare well for exams and coursework. My biggest problem was I never prepared because I was just sooooo lazy. If you prepare well then you won’t fail. Most of the people who get the best grades have limited ability. They are just methodical, do what is required by ticking off the marks and put the effort in. Everything will start to resolve itself. You just have to weather the storm.
I study very well and can apply myself once in class. However, waking up with the motivation to get out of bed and head to class is lacking. I just ask myself what is the point 🙁 idk im sorry for babbling on
Look, when you have something to look forwad to outside of school and completely unrelated it will improve your motivation. I like listening to music but if I listen to the same song over and over it eventually becomes boring so you have to mix it up. Talking to us here might help because we are outside your usual social structure. So it’s something you might look forward too because it’s different. I realise that there is a lot of crap going on in your life but that does not mean you are devoid from acheiving or feeling strongly about anything. There will always be a place you can take refuge. Take a deep breath look around you and say these problems are insignificant and inconsequential. Then start to deal with them the best you can. I used to feel so tired sometimes I never went to school. I suffered from selective mutism and still do to an extent which is why people thought I was weird. I was just tired and had nothing to say. I used to get these headaches and couldn’t concentrate because of the anxiety. That didn’t stop me getting grade A’s in my favourite subjects like English. I really enjoyed being able to express myself and revealing that little part of my personality in my work to make people think and just like whoah, that’s far out.
Thanks a bunch Duke