I want to do it. One of my friends doesn’t socialize, and sits around playing video games all day. My other friends are self-absorbed and don’t talk to me anymore because they don’t like to listen to me when I have a problem. I hate my job. I can’t go to a bar or party to take my mind off my life because my mother monitors everything about me. She reads my journals, checks my purchases on my bank account, and rifles through my room and computer when I’m not around. She says she has to do this because I don’t open up to her. I fear she is just looking for good gossip because I see her to do the same thing to her sister, my aunt, and immediately reveals the most illicit findings to anyone who will hear it. This woman is sixty, but acts like she is four. I’m pretty sure at night she stays awake sometimes just to make sure I have gone to bed because sometimes I will lie perfectly still for a long time, and eventually hear her turn over in her bed. I worry she will even search this site because even though I make sure to clear my browsing history, I once had it open in a separate tab when she was in the room, and I think she saw it. I suppose if she does see this, all the better.
Her husband, my dad, died about ten years ago, so she has been pretty hurt by that. She didn’t know how to run a household, so she got a pretty raw deal. I know I expect a lot from a woman who was essentially a trophy wife, and I admit that she has become an incredible caretaker/head-of-household. I just wish she would let my dad’s death go. She needs to stop making photo albums of the year 2000 and earlier. She needs to let me go live my life, and stop acting like I’m the only good thing left in her life. Sometimes I’m worried that she doesn’t feel that way and only wishes to guilt trip me out of some misguided power trip.
I know I’m coming down hard on her, but this is my only outlet. My therapist back here told me I’m incapable of solving my problems, and my I can’t see my college therapist because I work seven days a week for the next two months. My friends also don’t hear my problems, and my family at large are all dog-eat-dog, eat-or-be-eaten types, so they won’t listen to me ‘whine’ either. I really want to do it.
I’m totally lost. I’m different from everyone I know, and I love this site because I feel like I’ve found people to whom I can relate. I know that sounds unusual, but I feel I can reach common ground to others on this site, and maybe even relate to others here. No one in my everyday life seems to understand how being close to suicide, and not suffering from depression (just a very deep frustration), feels. I feel so fortunate for having this site in my life, and I am grateful to whomever person or group started it.
2 comments
If you’re working 7 days a week can’t you find a way to move out? As far as your mother’s behavior, I would take a guess that losing her husband could have triggered a traumatic response in her and now she wants to be in control of things and know what every body is up to and what they’re buying and where they’re going and making sure they are home safe in bed. Going through painful losses can make people cope in strange ways. Many times when you watch those TV shows about Hoarders they reveal that they didn’t start piling up junk in their house until they went through a divorce or lost a child or something like that. Once people realize life is unpredictable and things can be taken away from them, they try to hold on even harder. Is there any way you can talk to her about this? Even if you are still living with her, at your age, it’s kind of inappropriate for her to not allow you any privacy. If you don’t think you’d be able to talk to her or convince her to ease up a little bit, it might be worth it trying to find somewhere else to live.
Depends on what he is making.
And the cost of living.
When I moved back home I paid my folks 900 a month for my old room rather than rent an apartment because living in a decent low crime neighborhood here is at least 1300 on the low end.
I’d recommend you keep looking for therapists until you find one who does want to address and solve your problem. Also one with flexible hours so you can schedule them in. And maybe see if you can get your mother to go to counseling as well.
Maybe family counseling for both of you.