Most people would say I have a pretty average life. I have two married parents and a healthy sister. I don’t have or know everything in fashion, but I do dress decently. I have some acne. My hair frizzes out from time to time. And I have plenty of friends.
But what they don’t know is this. My two married parents talk about divorce. They fight all the time. Even my mom is a recovering alcoholic. My sister may be healthy, but she tells me I don’t deserve to live, nobody likes me. My clothes have to cover my back because the acne I have is on my back. I’m always embarrassed of that and my hair. I can’t wear it down because it frames my face weird and makes me look even uglier. I wear my hair in a ponytail almost everyday. And the good friends I have, aren’t that good to me.
Besides the fact that everything they think about is the opposite, there’s also some things that some people can only guess. The reason my friends aren’t that good to me, is because they don’t help. I’m sure they know where the scars are from. They’ve asked about them before but I blow it off as cat scratches. I don’t even have a cat. I know they know, they just don’t care, or are too scared. I started cutting only a few months ago and don’t do it too much. It started when I couldn’t take it anymore. All the yelling, all the fighting. It consumes me.
The worst part about things consuming me is that I don’t know how to control it and can’t get help. I’m convinced I’m suffering from depression and anxiety. My mom actually takes pills for her anxiety.
My depression, I can’t seem to shake it off. It just stays there, hides in the shadows when I laugh or am having a good time with my friends for a bit, but always resurfaces. I don’t know even if I want to get better, but I’d like to at least have the option. My depression makes me emotionless towards being happy but full of emotions when it comes to being sad. I never feel truly happy. Yeah, there’s those times when I’m talking with a friend and we share memories or jokes, but I never feel like I’ll stay happy. I always know the dark thoughts will come back. The thoughts that make me want to miss school, or hang out with my friends. The thoughts that even after I do that, I come home crying. The thoughts that make me cut.
My anxiety doesn’t help. When I get really upset, after a bad day at school or my parents continuing to fight, I can’t control myself. I feel like I can’t take it and I’m going to explode. I start crying, breaking down in tears. Then thoughts take over my mind and the only thing to make them go away is cutting. They only go away for a second though. When I feel the pain of the razor blade digging through my skin. And as I see the blood, I feel like I’ve accomplished something. But I don’t. It just gets worse. Suicidal thoughts enter my head and I can’t get them out. I’ll just stare at a bottle of pills, taking a few at a time, but stopping before I reach too much. I’ve calmed down my then. Crying only very subtle, crying myself to sleep.
Even though I know the thoughts come back, the dark and suicidal thoughts, I still do what I can do make them go away. Even if it’s for only a second. When I take the thoughts away positively, like being with my friends, or negatively, like resorting to cutting, I always feel proud. Proud that I can at least do something. Something to make them go away.
I can make them go away. I could just continue taking pills and end my life. How easy it would be to just stop the pain and humiliation. But I can’t, even though I want to. I don’t have the courage, which makes the pride go away. I don’t have the strength either. I feel like if I do, I’d miss out on so many things like prom, marriage, and having kids. Although, I’m not sure I want any of that, but it’d be nice to have the option. And it could get better, it could. But I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I want the thoughts gone, by taking my own life or overcoming them. All I want is for the thoughts to be over and done with.
4 comments
After the thoughts started for me, it was very hard to push them away. It still is. But, sometimes if I try I can do it. The first and most common thing I turn to is music. Even if it’s a sad song, it distracts me. Some of my favorites to listen to are from Evanescence’s first album. I believe its called The Open Door?
The second thing I do is write. It doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t matter what you write about. You can build a world where you have everything you’ve ever wanted, you can create a place to escape to.
The third thing I do is probably the oddest and most abnormal. It works best if you have utter silence. Use earphones. Then close your eyes. Put a pillow over your head to block out the light if nessicary. Then, imagine you are in a tunnel. It is any color you want, whether that be your favorite color, or just a plain black or white. Imagine you are walking through the tunnel. There is no sound, no shadows, only an endless tunnel of your favorite color. It can have stars, but don’t notice them, don’t notice anything. Except the color if you need to focus on something. Remember that the tunnel is always the same. You can be in that tunnel for as long as you please, there are no limitations. Also, do not think about outside worries. If those thoughts come, focus entirely on the color and the tunnel, and how you are moving through it. Push the rest away. When you want to leave this tunnel, you can do it however you like. You can open your eyes, make it direct. This, however, can be shocking. You can also imagine the tunnel fading away. This works as well. You can also turn around, walk back the way you came, and imaging that after a few steps the tunnel ends, and open your eyes. Whatever works for you is fine.
I do not know if they would call this “meditation” but I don’t think so, because you are focusing on thinking about nothing but a purple color. In mediation the goal it not to think about anything.
Anyways, I hope that those things help you.
This is Excatly me, especially with the friends being kind I bad and uncaring but being happy but only temporarily. Your life sounds just like mine.
Everyone here understands, that’s why we’re here. None of us want to die. We just want the damn pain to stop! As for your parents, don’t make their problems yours. I know it’s hard but like another poster suggested put on some ear phones and find something that’s inspirational to listen to. One song everyone should listen to over and over again is “I WILL GET THERE” by Boys II Men. You can talk to any of us. I would also look for a support group in your area. Tell your parents how you are feeling and have them find you some help. Even a teacher that’s nice, school counselor. Most are lame bit they do have resources and one thing I know for sure, none of us can make it through this alone. So we have your back until you get a support network started. Get on it!
Thank you Faith, I’ll try it the next time I have an anxiety attack. Whenthewindblows, I’ve read your writing, I feel like our lives are similar too. Enigma, I can’t. I can’t tell anyone. They’ll be dissapointed or angry.