it’s my birthday this friday, 26 I think. I’m 99% sure 26 but I don’t want to shatter the veil of ignorance I’m under by calculating it or trying to remember how old I’ll be. I remember rhyming about being 25 some time ago but that could have been 2 years ago.
Anyway, I’m moving today or tomorrow. My odyssey in my mothers jungle of an apartment is over, hopefully. I thought it was over once before but their were rats in the ceiling of the new place. I’ve gotta be sure to do another check at this current place I want, but it seems good. I’ll be out and away again and I don’t really feel as excited as I should.
I’m sober so I don’t feel much right now. I decided to spend my days sober; I flip flop constantly and I forget the reason why I want to be sober now. I don’t have any reasons to. I was googling about last night for reasons that people choose to quit sedating themselves, but none of it applies to me. I don’t care about my body or getting anywhere. yadda yadda yadda, I have no plans for the future. There’s nothing I want. My crippling fear of strangers keeps me from following any of my dreams, leaves me demoralized beyond recognition.
The strong thing to do would be to go see my doctor, be straight up and tell him that I didn’t quit sedating when he told me to and that I’d like to be put on anti-anxiety pills or whatever will take away my instinct to cower away from others. I’m positive that the barrier between me and others has been chemically reinforced by my playing bill nye with my brain chemistry (been withdrawn/anti-social since I was 2). I don’t do anything serious like booze, cigs or blow; just herb (at least not considered serious by people of our time; I wonder what people will have to say about herb in 50 years). But, I’ve got a weak, addictive personality and abuse anything that offers easy gratification.
I don’t want anything right now, even when I’m not sober. Right now, I mean in this chunk of time. I’m not sure where this chunk ends, if it does, if I’ll ever want anything again. I’m only sure of that my brain isn’t functioning correctly at all. I can’t stop the herb because it’s my only solace, keeps my body from crashing to the ground.
It’s all in my head cause I was fine yesterday, after I thought about it. I’m not withdrawing so much as thinking about life after I move out, how empty it is, and how I wish it were emptier than that. I smoke to escape the fact that I don’t want to be, and it is a fact.
Adam Corolla says that if all religious people actually believe the crap they claim to, they’d act a whole lot differently. Well I believe with everything I am that this is all meaningless and there’s no going back from that. This nihilism that encompasses me is who I am, total non-believer. Heck, I started wearing a flower necklace to signify my disbelief in the supernatural. Nothings matters except for how I feel.
My body feels like trash because of the IBS and anemia; I’m doing 6-7 bowel movements a day. My mind is crushed by the weight of this false reality and the sheer number of believers in it. I shun my family and friends for their beliefs and unwillingness to change. I’m annoyed by those around me and myself for not being more accepting. It all enrages me.
Work
hang with brother
go home+sleep
rinse and repeat till the weekend
take brother to drum lessons saturday night
kill time till monday
work
hang with brother
go home+sleep
rinse and repeat till the weekend
I have a lot of time to fill so I’m open to suggestions, but what is there for someone that’s afraid of the world? I keep signing up for philosophy classes at the local library but I always ALWAYS chicken out. If I’m going to find any like minded people, it’s there, but I can’t go. So how should I fill my time?