So, I’m going to be on therapy soon. For years I’ve been trying to cope with my past psychological traumas with heavy alcohol and drug use, had various sex partners I barely knew, nearly got killed several times, got injured heavily and got myself even more psychological traumas and now it seems they have reached their critical mass.
Worst is that I wanted to spray some positive graffity on the wall of my room and I googled “love” and ended up crying after seeing a whole lotta couples. But deep inside myself I am laughing about myself still being affected by my classmates making fun of me cuz’ I was kissing a girl when we were on first grade – damn, 20 years ago and I’m still stuck onto something in my head that keeps on spinning around like a damaged record. Now I think of all the chances of having great relationships I have missed because of my mental problems + the alcohol abuse.
Today I was cruising through town, painting and the couples they would just be everywhere – no matter where I look – young, old, very young, very old, couples everywhere and why the hell I’ve become somebody who can like get naked in front of dozens of people, do a lot of crazy shit but being completely unable to establish a lasting relationship? I’ve been easily chatting with local celebs, I’ve had several popular blogs, but yet I’m a damn coward when it comes to intimacy and expressing feelings, even being totally drunk and taking drugs I would barely be able to. Sex isn’t really an achievement when both have just blown their heads off with alcohol (you can do that anytime), it’s the feelings, it’s the giving and taking. And then plus the feeling of being unemployed, broke, not being able to find a job for months now.
And those few days left until I start my therapy seem to be so far away, don’t know if I can go on until that.
1 comment
Sounds like you had to shut your feelings off as a child cause you didn’t get your needs met by your folks….it’s a survival things, & it’s not your fault.
I can relate as I had to do the same…we experience our spirit through our emotions, so you’re cut off from a big part of your life force. The more you try to wrestle your past issues and problems to the ground the more you keep them active in your mind and you best have some relief. It’s good to own the experience, and accept that the past by giving up the hope it could have been any different than it was. I empathize…& that’s that will help you move forward…own everything, allow it to be what it was & make choices now that allow you to feel good…slowly, bit by bit. It’s a process. Good luck. You deserve peace, and joy in your life. Take care.