Why is that people ask you not to compare your life with others at times and then take a complete U-Turn and ask to look at others life at other times? World always tries to find a way to influence your life, your decisions, they always want you to live your life as it best suits them. The reason for my decision is not my hatred of this world, or hatred for life – on the contrary its quite opposite – I love this world, I love life. But unfortunately, I don’t enjoy it anymore, I live everyday as its a burden – with a pain in my heart every minute. It has now become absolutely impossible to hold back my tears, tears which end up falling every few minutes or so. I hide them, for the sake of the world again. Everything I do now has no meaning behind it, I dont enjoy anything for all I had wanted was to enjoy this world and life with her. The thought of not being with her is unbearable.
I know people dont trust me when I say that I have tried, I have given it all to try and forget her and to get on with my life – but believe if you can that I have. I have given it every ounce of myself to do that – but since I had shared so much with her that everything eventually does bring me back to her. She was the one I could talk to about anything, she was the one who I can trust with anything (even now), she’s the one who I told everything about me – no matter how dark it was, or how shameful it was. The thought that I cannot see her again, feel her, touch her or kiss her again just makes me more numb towards everything else. Yes, by now I have reached a state that only thing I feel is my love for her and nothing else, I dont feel any care for anyone anymore and thus my decision. I didn’t believe in God, but now I do – for I want to make one last wish that people after me are able to move on with their life. I never ever wanted anything in life, I wished for many things but never really wanted anything from my heart. And she was the only exception – I have now lost my heart, I could only live by her name and now I am going to end this in her name. People tell me that I will find someone else, who deserves my love – but unfortunately I dont have any love left in me anymore, I have nothing else in me to give, nor do I wish anything else from this world. I really have taken my share of happiness and have given much more in return and now I am at a stage where I feel like a burnt candle.
Before I met her, I had made my decision to end my life at the age of 27, just so I could join the 27 club, so its not that the decision of ending my life is caused by this incident, I knew by then I would have spent all I had inside of me and end up being burnt like a candle wick. But then she came along, and I had found a reason, I spent all I had onto her and my own being had dissapated a long time back, my life was her – my happiness was her, my sorrow was her my breaths was her and she was the motiviation. Now that she is gone, there is nothing left – no reaso, no feeling, no love, no sorrow – just a longing for her. I hope the people who love me will someday understand why I am doing this, because I dont see a point in living a life where I just live like a zombie – a life where I dont feel anything, and moreover I dont see a point in anything. A life where no matter what you do doesn’t really matter in the end, a life where you give everything to construct something and life finds a way to erase it all in a minute. I have always liked to be in control of my life, and the idea of nothingness is against my principles of life. I am not saying that I will not find happiness, sure I will find small happy moments in my life, I will smile or laugh at times – but it is all worthless when it comes to spending time here – that too when I dont know when has life planned to take me away in its own natural way. Maybe my death was scripted a day after I had commited suicide, there is no point in waiting, if I couldnt control my life I for sure want to control my departing.
As far as my method is concerned, I never wanted to die in a long painful way, I am too much of a coward for that, and I have a feeling that my body will fight to survive it and eventually I would fail at my own death too. There are quick ways of dying, but they all involve getting connections or going illegal – or so much as spending too much of an effort in doing them. Since I want this to end as quickly as possible – I had the option of jumping from a building or in front of a train – and I had pretty much set my mind on the later, I had checked the timing of the train and the spot where I will jump from. But there are just 2 issues with the approach – what if my legs fail to move at the given time. People who think its easy to just die, who say that one who wants to die will just do it surely have no idea of what they are talking about and should refrain from commenting. Secondly even if I do manage to end it all by that method – it will leave the people I leave behind nothing to say good bye to, I will be nothing but a pulp of meat in front of them. Then I found the way that instantly made my decision – a helium exit bag. I have been able to colect everything needed by just sitting here on my laptop and from my extensive research seems to be the most painless way of leaving. I really hope it all works out – I am giving myself 2 weeks to set everything up and right up all that I want to write before I go for it.