I am a pedophile. There, it’s out in the open for the first time ever. I have sexual feelings towards boys, and it is breaking me down. It started in my childhood, when I experimented with a friend who was the same age, and now I’m stuck with it. I’m in my twenties now, and although I have never abused a child, I do have fantasies and I have visited illegal websites countless times. I don’t feel anything for women, and I’ve never had a girlfriend.
On top of this, I’ve recently been put aside by people whom I considered to be my best friends. They have arranged to go on a roadtrip together, which will be without any doubt whatsoever the most amazing journey of their life, and they have decided that they don’t want me to join them. Actually, they didn’t even tell me, although I’ve been living together with them for the past 5 years, and I had to find out about it by accident. And when I did, they told me all about how I’ve never been a decent friend towards them, and didn’t deserve their friendship.
It’s probably partly because I never had a girlfriend, and they somehow feel that something is wrong with me. So here it comes: how the hell could I lead a normal life in this society? I constantly need to suppress my own feelings, and cannot possibly share them with anybody. Not even my parents. Because if I would, they would either kill me or excommunicate, or they would try to arrange therapy. And to what cause? To try and change who I am? How nature has formed me? Because the cause of my pedo feelings does not lie with abuse in my childhood, I’ve never been forced to do anything. This is as natural as it gets. At the same time, I can say without feeling arrogant that I am a smart person, and it only takes a basic level of intelligence to realise that to carry out my feelings, and seek sexual contact with boys, is morally irresponsible. Recent developments regarding pedo priests, and more importantly the effect it had on their victims throughout their life, is a very clear example of this. I cannot ruin other people’s life just to satisfy my own needs. But how long can I keep this up? How can I trust myself to never let my guard slip? How long can I control myself, while at the same time I am tearing myself apart and alienating myself from friends and from this society in general? The only solution I can find by reasoning is to kill myself before things can get out of hand. What else?
13 comments
Hey its okay. people dont understand me either. i am pretty f*cked up but i know that i have at least one person who cares about me.
I know your scared of what people will say but keep fighting. Don’t be under the lie that having this certain attraction is who you are. It’s not who you are, it’s a factor of who you are. It is something about you but it is not YOU. You are someone greater than that. Like you said, you have had lots of control over your actions and don’t act on the feelings you have towards boys. You have great control! That is apart of who you are. But think about this, if you have so much control over what you don’t do, imagine what you will be capable of when you let your guard down. You said it yourself, it is irresponsible to act on your feelings and it’s unsafe. As far as your friends, it sounds like they kind of suck sometimes but if they don’t seem to understand or be there for you then find someone else. If you can’t find someone, log on here. I’ll be here for you, I’ll talk to you, I’ll help you out. Because now that you’ve reached out…so what if it’s on the Internet. I’m on your side and I want you to get better and feel better. No one should have to have a guard up over everything they do. Although you probably don’t want to hear it, a counselor or therapist will do you wonders as long as you find one your comfortable with. Because its not who you are, if it was who you are then you would have done something about it. You would have acted on it. So just consider what I’m saying and I’m sure youll get other replies. I am here for you. I promise. Take care and I will keep you in my prayers.
Hi. I think it’s very brave of you to open up about this.
And I want to say well done for not acting on those impulses. It shows that you care genuinely about other people.
I’d like to echo what torigirl wrote, you are not those feelings, you’re much more than that.
And I also think it would be really good for you to find someone to talk to, a counselor or a therapist, partly to lift the burden of your secret from your shoulders, partly because two minds usually think better than one, partly because I believe that treatment can really be fruitful, even without medication.
About your friends, remember that you are you, you are valuable, and that doesn’t depend on what they think of you. If they won’t be your friends, others will.
Another thing I want to say is that, whatever your sexuality, you have to learn to live with it. And living with it is much easier, the better you understand it. A good therapist or expert, someone bright, whom you trust, can help you understand yourself and your sexuality and how to live with it. Also, I’m not sure sexuality is neccessarily something static. It can evolve and change througout your life.
I think you deserve some peace of mind, and I hope that opening up on here was the first step. I’m hoping you’ll find someone good/professional to talk to about this, so you can start to live your life without feeling guilty all the time.
Good luck 🙂
You need to speak to a professional therapist or doctor for sure. Otherwise the situation might become a lot worse.
I sadly & personally understand ur situation all too well. I hope u continue to work on controlling your urges and find the peace u are looking for.
If u.need to talk we’re all ears. Especially me
You really have a good handle on this and sounds like you are right about most of it.
But, your sexuality isn’t ingrained in you.
We often learn sexual response from simple conditioning in our early years and we can unlearn it.
You probably need help to do that but it’s worthwhile.
A proper therapist can help you relearn your own sexuality, separating it out from preconditioned responses.
It will be much easier to do this now as you have never acted on these impulses.
So if we don’t hate you for what you told us (and we don’t) then please don’t hate yourself.
Good luck
Just so you know, I’m a teacher at a daycare. I love kids more than anything in my life, and if I just read your first sentence I would have hated you beyond recognition. But I am so thankful there are people like you. It sounds screwed up, but no onw can be perfect. Everyone has their guilty pleasure. Do you know how strong you are? You know it’s wrong and hurtful, even if it’s killing you inside. You know that these emotions don’t need to control you right? They may be a part of who you are, but they are not all of you. I’m agnostic, but I was once a catholic. My childhood catholic friend is gay, yet he refuses to act on it because he is religious and considers it wrong. Being gay isn’t who he is. I know it’s an odd stretch to what you are, but it’s possible to live with the urges. People are assholes. Do you know how many friends I’ve lost just because I don’t drink? It’s obnoxious. I want to personally thank you. Seriously, thank you. Please don’t give up hope..or give in.
Everyone is fucked up in one way or another. My problems are probably much different from yours, but I understand what it is to struggle. I won’t tell you to fight for death or fight for life. Only you can truly decide what you want to fight for and how hard. I would just like to let you know that my sympathies are with you, and that you find relief.
You’re ruining lives of other people just by existing and consuming. You’re fucking up the climate. You’re eating food that could be used to feed the hungry. You have enough wealth to have access to a computer but you haven’t redistributed that wealth among the poor. At least it doesn’t sound like you plan on breeding and making more new people to fuck more stuff up. Fucking up the lives of others is inevitable. I’m a rapist. Once, afterwards, I asked one of the victims a question. I said “if you had been given a choice between having me kill myself or having this happen what one would you have picked.” She said she didn’t want me dead. I realize that a sample of one is statistically pointless. It makes me feel like our society is so brainwashed into believing that everyone has to stay alive that even when we’re blatantly and deliberately fucking shit up people still can’t accept that it would be better for some folks to be dead. The whole human species is like a bacteria or a virus. All of our great accomplishments are simply improvements to our abilities to expand our population without bounds (maybe cancer is a better analogy). Other than human self interest what have we as a species achieved? Your passions suck. So do everyone else’s. Yours just happen to suck in a way that nobody accepts. Good luck figuring something out that works.
props to john.doe
“It makes me feel like our society is so brainwashed into believing that everyone has to stay alive that even when we’re blatantly and deliberately fucking shit up people still can’t accept that it would be better for some folks to be dead”
+1
‘fucking up the lives of others is inevitable’ and ‘I’m a rapist’.
No it’s not. I’m glad that your victim was so forgiving for the terrible things that she must have went through. I hope that she has the strength to rebuild her life. So many people end up on this site for this selfish and sick affliction. I do not sympathise with either of you. You need to be lock away, hormone treatment, whatever but you won’t get that on this site. The things that people have posted here restores faith in humanity but they need to be protected. It’s sounds as if it’s their problem that you feel the way you do, how anyone can come to that conclusion is indicative of whats in your nature and not theirs.