Why don’t I have the will to make myself not feel this way? Empty and pathetic and miserable.. Too apathetic to do a thing, but still crying for all the idol moments. I have too much time. Left alone with my thoughts too long.. but I wont do a thing to change it. With every attempt the same thought comes to mind. You’re going to commit suicide regardless of what you do,so whats the point? That seems to be my view of everything. Just going to die, no reason to bother. I can’t care. I’m just not able to. Ive even given up pretending to be happy. I’m tired. I’m fucking miserable. Why should I smile and listen to others complain about friends and boys and love and breakups. I don’t give a shit. You want to know my problem? I feel so much pain, and its only from existing! But I won’t whine. I won’t complain to you.. There is just no point. How can someone understand how watching the sun rise brings me to tears? How being alone, which I so often love, my peaceful solitude.. its maddening. Yet people irritate me. I want nothing to do with them. How can you be lonely if you hate socializing? I don’t understand.. I wish it would stop. I wish it did not hurt to wake up in the morning. I wish so many things that I know will never happen. Why do I go through the days? why? why am I still alive?
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I can relate to so much of this post that is’ scary. Too apathetic to do a damn thing, but sad for all the happiness I feel I’m missing out on. But then, I wonder, is anyone truly happy? Am I inherently unhappy? Could I have what other people have, and still hate myself and my life regardless? I feel the same about listening to others; last night my friend of 8 years who I loved for about 4 years (and who has been with another girl for 6 of those years) was whining because he had to sleep alone in the bed while his gf was gone to Florida for two weeks. He was ‘lonely’.
I felt like saying, you don’t know the fucking meaning of the word, bud. But at the same time, like you, I despise socializing. I despise the human race, lying, untrustworthy, pretentious as it is, and yet lonliness cripples me. In the middle of the night when the world is asleep and I’m sitting in my bed unable to do the same, all I want is someone I can reach out to.
I really feel where you’re coming from, I really and truly do; I just wanted you to know that. I hope you find some kind of breakthrough.