I don’t really see what else there is for me to do. I feel like all I ever do internally and out is apologize for the kind of person I am and the choices I’ve made. I feel like I should apologize for not being successful the last three times I tried to commit suicide, both to myself and to everyone who’s had to deal with me since those points.
It’s been made pretty much abundantly clear that I am the thing standing between my mother and her relationship. Her **** of a boyfriend is so pre-occupied with how much of a disappointment I am that it is hindering their ability to live in bliss. It seems like it’s always this way. And it seems like nobody cares about the result it has on me, just the result it’s having on them. My mother needs him around anyway, for the financial support.
So I will just have to be this tip-toed around subject, some kind of forbidden thing left unspoken of in their household, and ushered around in secret away from his bloodshot alcoholic eyes. I won’t be able to spend Christmas with my mom, or see her unless she spends extra money to visit me. If I do visit her it will have to be this big ordeal where he packs up and leaves to stay with others, so as not to upset his delicate nerves at my presence, as so often seems to be the case when he is forced to spend time around me. I can never win around that alleged “man”. This is why he still feels justified about the hour of abuse he screamed into my face, drunk, three nights ago. He will always feel justified in it, because on a fundamental level there is something wrong with me that cannot be fixed unless I somehow subscribe to every single one of his beliefs and tendencies. As it stands though, I have tried many ways to bond him with him, or at least I had been doing until earlier this week.
If I am quiet around him then I am anti-social, and this is just another side effect of being a heavy computer user. If I talk too much then I am a smart-mouth, offensive and derisive in tone, with no respect for my elders. If I laugh, then I am laughing at him, not with him, and it is all part of my sarcastic, manipulative ploy to get under his skin. If I am making money, then I am not making money the right way. If I am not making money and need help from the family, I am a leech who does not pull her weight. If I am going to school to get a degree, then it is not for the right degree. When I get A’s in a class then it is just an art class. When I fail a class, then it is because I am a bad person. Now I’m done. I will not be bullied by him.
I don’t care about pleasing him, as evidenced by the above paragraph. I think he’s a man-child incapable of overcoming his crippling insecurities brought on by a 23 year-old girl who aspires to become a professional writer. I am innocuous by design, but that would never change anything to someone so drunk on his own sense of self-righteousness. I think his attitude is just about the most pathetic thing I’ve encountered in my adult life, and that’s saying plenty.But I do care about my mother, and if by merely existing I am the thing that stands between her and whatever twisted sense of happiness she derives from her relationship with the Supreme Dickhead of Prejudice then why should I stand in their way?
If I am genuinely the thorn in the side of all good things my mother feels she has coming, then what use am I? I have not achieved the basic thing a child should be able to do by now, which is become a rewarding experience. I am a punishment on her life, as much now as I was when I was born. I’m the result of an acid trip, I’m the reason that her then boyfriend and my then father left her in the first place. Who knows what sort of happy life she might have had, thin and fulfilled and wild, if I had not bogged down everything from her finances to her feelings for the last 23 years.
I don’t want to be alive. I haven’t for a long time, but I at least thought that by continuing to try I was doing my family a favor. Now it’s pretty clear that by continuing to try I am doing nothing but adding to their problems. I want to kill myself. I wish I knew a way that I was comfortable with. Sooner or later I know it’ll happen, now, I guess it’s just when and how.
I’m not going to apologize to him for turning out like the person I did. This entire family is ridiculous and I cannot believe people can be so righteous about me when basically none of them have had more than three conversations with me since I was a teenager. What happened to live and let live? I guess that’s not a philosophy subscribed to by “my people”. It’s pretty obvious that most people in the family feel on some level I’ve warranted his scorn, that I am doing something wrong by being introverted and thoughtful and not continuing to roll over and take shit from him every time he feels like putting me down. It’s pretty obvious that there is something about me that rubs people the wrong way, maybe it’s just how much of a loser I am. Maybe it’s that I’m smart but I’m not “putting it to good use”. Whatever it is, I don’t care anymore.
I’m tired of letting people down. I’m tired of trying really hard to prove that I have redeeming qualities and that I’m likable, just to be reminded that that isn’t ever going to matter.Â I’m a person, not a cause, and I’m tired of being treated like the latter. I want to stop being a problem everyone feels like they need to solve. I want to stop being a burden, and a waste of their energy. And most of all, I want to stop hurting and hating myself. I want to die.