Hey!

I thought I would come back to say that I did choose to not attempt suicide again – and in fact, I’m feeling rather good. The reason for this is that I was up all night googling to see if I could find anything to explain my actions, any form of disease or illness. I was unsuccessful, which is pretty much what I was expecting. However, I was watching the film The Big Bang with Antonio Banderas (not a fan of his but he was good in this), William Fichtner (most underrated actor of all time – give the man some leading roles!) and Sam Elliot (gotta love the ‘tash), when Sam Elliot mentioned something about his son having synesthesia (basically this is when 2 or more of your senses sort of cross over – like hearing a certain sound, say a clock ticking, brings a taste to your mouth, like sour. Also, seeing/hearing days of the week, letters, numbers or anything of the kind and your brain automatically associates it with a colour, like seeing the word monday and the colour red crops up), and I knew that I had heard this word before. Being me, I researched it a bit, when I noticed that it sounded a lot like me. None of this explained any of my previous feelings or had anything at all to do with suicide or depression, but I was very intrigued. I spent an hour doing some tests, and the results suggested that I most likely have it. The next morning I contacted my therapist and spent a while talking to her about it, and she said that she was 99% sure that I had it. I was so happy! I’m not sure why, because I had always had it, so finally knowing I did shouldn’t have had much of a difference, but I started to notice it a lot more – things became a lot more vivid, and I started to feel very euphoric.

This shouldn’t really have affected my views on suicide, but it really did. It may and probably will sound silly to most of you reading this, but it just goes to show that the slightest thing could crop up out of nowhere and save you from suicide. This is my third time recovering from suicide (the first time I haven’t attempted though, so I’m not sure if it really counts), and I’d just like to say to all of you that if you have definitely decided that you want to kill yourself, please just wait at least 24 hours to see what happens. If you can make it 24 hours, you can make it another 24 hours, and before you know it weeks will have passed, and in that time I bet that your suicidal tendencies will have shrunk, if not have disappeared altogether. Right now it’s 5:46a.m. in England, and I’m just sat here with a family sized bag of doritoes, I’m pretty sure my neighbours are gonna kill me as I have the tv on full blast(currently watching The Rock, favourite film of all time – God damn I love you Nicolas Cage), and 2 6 packs of beer ready to be opened (I thought I’d post this before I got pissed), because now I realize that I don’t need anybody else to have a good time, even though it may be nicer with other, and everyone else should realize this too. Peace out, kisses all around! Seany x